“I’m not speaking ill of her, but it sounds like she was repressed, depressed, and just fucked up.”
Hammer flubbed through a laugh. “Maybe. A little.”
“Haven’t you beat yourself up enough yet? Are you sure you don’t have a little bit of a masochist in you?”
“You wish.” With a shrug, Hammer stared down into the alcohol. “Good strategy. Wait until I’m drunk so I’ll talk.”
“Hey, it worked.”
“Prick.”
“That’s Sir Prick.” He snickered. “So neither you nor Liam had any hint that Juliet was unhappy or contemplating suicide? Or that she was pregnant?”
“Nope. That mistake cost me dearly.”
“That explains why you dole out Raine’s medication. And why you’ve always kept track of her cycles. I had no idea it was that bad, man. I’m sorry.”
Beck’s words were slathered in sympathy. Hammer didn’t need it. He just wanted the regret and shame eating him up inside to go away.
“I can’t believe you’ve been carrying this crap around all these years.” Beck looked as blown out of the water as Liam had earlier.
“Yep, until tonight when I puked up every ugly bit of it, right onto Liam.” The memory of utter shock on his old friend’s face slid through Hammer’s veins like black, oily sludge.
Beck’s eyes grew wide as if suddenly struck with understanding. “Well, now I know why you won’t tell Raine you’re in love with her. All these years you’ve wanted to claim her, but…”
“I’m no good for her,” Hammer interrupted. “She deserves a better man and Master.”
“Yeah? And everyone can see you’re doing so great without her,” Beck mocked.
“I never said that.”
“So all the submissives you take to bed are what? Substitutes for Raine?”
Hammer leveled a look of warning toward Beck. “You’re stepping over a line. Watch yourself.”
“No. I’m not going to candy-coat it for you, and deep down you don’t want me to.”
True. “They’re not substitutes. They’re able to handle what I need. When I’m rough and strict, it silences the guilt screaming in my head.
“What about the night you spent with Raine. Guilt then?”
Hammer’s hand tightened around his glass. “She silenced it all. There was nothing but peace.”
“So why don’t—”
“I don’t deserve to have it silenced. Don’t you understand? I failed Juliet. I’ll be damned if I fail Raine.”
“You think Raine might check out like Juliet someday?” he asked Hammer.
“No. Never.”
“At least you’ve gotten that much through your thick skull. Raine may not be the greatest communicator, but she’s a fighter, Macen. You know that.”
Yeah, he did. All the years he’d spent with Juliet he’d never truly seen his wife’s soul. No matter how he’d tried, it had been like looking through smoke. He could see Raine’s bright beacon as clear as day. She wasn’t a quitter. The girl could be so damn self-sufficient. She’d left that prick of a father as a kid, and without fear of how she’d survive, drew from her inner strength to forge a better life for herself. Hammer knew what Raine would do if she were unhappy, and it sure as hell wasn’t swallow a bottle of pills.
“I might have to hunt her down,” Hammer said. “But I’ll never have to bury her. If I’d thought for two seconds that I might, the possibility of her being pregnant would have sent me into a panic.”
“Then stop projecting your guilt over her and Liam, and start being honest with them both. Hasn’t Juliet taken enough from you? Maybe your child, nearly a decade, your happiness? Do something, idiot! Otherwise, you’ll just keep wasting away your life.”
“Thanks for holding back.”
Beck snorted, but he was right. Hammer had wasted so much time. How much longer was he willing to throw away over shit he couldn’t change?
Unleashing his frustration on the punching bag had done nothing to alleviate Liam’s rage. Every morning in the week following Thanksgiving, he’d slipped away to the gym to escape Shadows and the pressure cooker of problems there, if only for a while. After nearly an hour of the repetitive rhythm, sweat dripped in his eyes and his muscles screamed…but he still couldn’t fatigue himself enough to silence the chaos crowding his head.
Finally, he stripped away his gloves and headed to the shower. As he sagged against the tile wall and let the hot spray cascade over him, he tried to decide what the fuck to do next. His options were limited. Stay or go? Fish or cut bait?
Liam sighed. Hammer was a secretive asshole and his rival for Raine. But he also made a hell of a sounding board, and ironically Liam missed him now.
Once dressed, he headed out of the gym and fought the morning rush. As soon as he pulled into the car park of the first beach he encountered, Liam took out his cell and rang Seth.
When his friend answered, he heard the sound of a woman’s soft voice in the background.