All the air sucks out of the basement, and I can’t breathe. This is worse than torture. I’d rather he hit me than tell me I don’t belong anywhere. Tears fill my eyes, making everything seem murky, underwater.
Through the haze, I see him come to stand in front of me. If he was my mother, he would hug me. If he was Leader Allen, he’d slap me.
Instead he just watches me.
He leans back against the edge of the high desk and crosses his arms. When I was a kid, there was a boy who would drop water onto an ant and watch it drown. That’s how the man is looking at me—curious, as if he wants to see what will happen next.
I clench my fists, squeezing my fingernails into my skin until the physical pain is worse than the pain inside. “What’s your name?” I demand, my voice shaky.
“Ivan,” he says softly, still watching. Still waiting.
“Let me work here, Ivan,” I say, hands clenched, body ready to fight. It’s not fighting he wants from me, though. Not exactly. I may not know the word he used, but I know how he thinks. It’s not that far off from the men outside who surrounded me.
It’s not that far off from Leader Allen either.
I stand up and meet his gaze. “I’ll do anything.”
Chapter Three
I know what will happen to me if I let him touch me. I know because every sermon I ever heard, every scripture I’ve ever seen promises the same thing. Eternal damnation.
That’s what I’m offering him—my soul on a spit.
He doesn’t look impressed. Instead he leans close, close enough that I’m forced to sit. He braces his hands on both arms of my chair. It occurs to me then how he’s advanced on me since the conversation started. He was behind his desk at the beginning. He stood and circled it. Now he’s inches from my face, his breath warm and soft against my forehead when he speaks.
“What could you possibly give me that I couldn’t get from any one of those girls out on the floor tonight?”
My eyes shut tight. I can still see her clearly, the woman onstage. Her power in the form of bared breasts and a bold smile. She could please Ivan so much better than me, and without even asking, I know she would do whatever he wanted.
“My virginity,” I whisper, trembling inside.
He’s a stranger to me, but I know what he wants. He looks at me the same way Leader Allen looked at me. That’s why I had to leave. It turns out men are the same everywhere I go. They only want one thing from me.
He cocks his head. “Why would you give me that?”
With only a few dollars in my pocket and men waiting on the street outside, I don’t have a choice. “I need…a place to stay.”
Something dark flits over his expression. “Surely you want more than that, for something so precious.”
I want freedom. I want safety, but I can’t have
that. “A job,” I whisper.
Money is a form of freedom. Dancing and nakedness and music are freedom too.
He crouches in front of me, and something about our positions now makes me feel young. He’s still holding the arms of the chair, and my hands are clenched in my lap. His eyes meet mine, but he’s down low. I feel small and helpless. Trapped.
“You could ask me to pay you,” he says, a strange note in his voice. It’s like he’s coaxing me. Like he’s telling me what to do. “If I gave you enough, you’d be able to get a nice hotel room. Maybe you could keep me coming back for more.”
There are too many shadows here, too many vines ready to grab me. If he paid me for sex, I’d be just like my mother. And I have no faith in my ability to keep him coming back for more. “I want to work.”
He puts his hand on my knee. Just his hand. Not very high. It’s an innocent touch. Any one of the elders might have touched me this way. Leader Allen definitely has.
It doesn’t feel innocent. It feels dangerous, a snaking vine.
His expression is severe, but his voice is soft. It’s a contradiction, just like him. “I would give you pretty jewelry and pretty clothes. My own little doll to dress up.”
My breath comes faster. His words don’t sound like an offer. They sound like a warning. “No.”