“You don’t understand,” he whispers.
“What don’t I understand?”
He comes and lays his head in my lap. “I wanted it.”
“Oh, Alex,” I whisper brokenly. “I’m sorry.”
And I am sorry. Even if he killed Luca. I can’t hate him for what Leader Allen turned him into. Mostly I forgive him. That’s what Allie said to me. That’s all I can do.
“Don’t be,” he snaps, rearing back. “The devil’s inside me.”
“Leader Allen’s the only one inside you, whispering all those horrible things to you.”
Alex’s face is pale, making him look younger than me instead of older. “I’m gay, Sarah Elizabeth. He said that if I did everything he told me, that he could cure me. That he could fix me. But now he’s gone and I’m still sick.”
There’s a bang on the door, so loud and fierce that we both jump.
“Beth!”
Luca’s voice washes over me like salvation. He’s alive!
Although he probably should be lying down, not running around a crowded warehouse. And he definitely shouldn’t be chasing after my brother in his condition.
And I realize something else—Luca will kill him. Taking him in alive, turning him over to the authorities. Those things might have been possible if Alex was apprehended by one of the men at the entrance. Maybe even after the dirty fight.
But now he’s kidnapped me. Luca will never let him live.
“Let me go,” I say urgently. “It’s only a matter of time until he gets in here.”
Alex pulls out a gun. “You think I don’t have a backup plan?”
My mouth goes dry. “Please, no.”
He looks at me with such solemn sorrow, the crowds of religious furor clearing for a moment, and I know I’m seeing my brother for maybe the first time. “Do you really want him?”
I really want him, with every scar and shadow he comes with. “Yes.”
His gaze lingers on the gun, contemplative, his hold turning sideways. “Then there isn’t anything left on this earth for me to do, is there?”
Horror seizes me as I realize how he plans to end this.
“There’s not just hope for her,” I say, urgent as more banging comes from the door. I twist my hands, managing not to wince at the harsh burn against my wrist. If I strain, I can just barely reach the knot with my fingers. “There’s hope for us too. You. Me. We can live normal lives, too.”
He laughs, harsh and cold. “We’ll never be normal.”
I know that now. It was a false dream. I came from Harmony Hills, both the good and the bad. That’s my history. We can’t ever escape our memories, not really, but we can learn from them. And we can go on living.
“I know it won’t be easy, but we can find a new faith. One that works for us. And maybe, with time, we can…” I close my eyes, knowing this is the answer. And the hardest thing I’ll ever have to do. “We can forgive.”
“You’re lying,” he snarls. “You’re delusional.”
“Maybe. Or maybe I finally learned the lessons. Not of Leader Allen, but the Bible itself. What it was trying to tell us all along.”
Alex turns the gun to himself. “It’s just an old book, Sarah Elizabeth.”
The gun expands from half an inch to fill the whole room. It’s all I can see, because for maybe the first time ever, I understand forgiveness. It’s not only Leader Allen I need to forgive, not only Alex. It’s myself. I don’t only need to live for Delilah. I want to live for myself, for Luca. I want to live for the sake of living, for the beauty and the evil and every shade in between. I want to take a bite of the apple, because it’s the only thing that matters.
“Call me Beth,” I say gently, working furiously at the knot. “That’s my name now.”