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Elijah crawls down from Trouble’s lap and waddles over to a small tub of toys, plopping down and digging out a block.
“Not that I’m not extremely grateful, but why are you here now?”
I try to ward off the ache building in my chest. “Because I don’t have anyone now. When Deanna and Mick died, I was left alone.”
The pain in Trouble’s eyes doubles. It breaks my heart that he’s suffered so much from my “death.”
His body stiffens, his hands curling into fists in his lap. “You’re fuckin’ killing me, Rella,” he says hoarsely. “It’s killing me sitting here while you’re all the way over there where I can’t pull you into my arms. And there’s not a damn thing I can do about it.”
More tears gather in my eyes and slide down my cheeks. I would give anything to have my brother wrap me in his arms after years of not feeling them, but I’m so scared. I don’t want to hurt him by freaking out.
I swallow past the thick lump in my throat and close my eyes. Inhaling deeply several times, I try to calm my breathing and my racing heart. Opening my eyes, I settle them back on my brother, letting him see the heartache I’m feeling.
“I’m sorry.” My voice cracks and my throat tightens even more.
I need my brother more than anything right now, and it both angers me and sends a painful knot into my stomach that I’m denying us both.
Why is it so hard? Why can’t I get over my fear and just be… normal? Trouble would never hurt me; I know this down to my core. It’s been years since I was with Gabriela and Marco. It’s been the same amount of time since the last time I was raped. The last decade I’ve been safely tucked into Deanna and Mick’s home, and no one has come near me or hurt me in any way.
Even so, just the thought of any bodily contact has my mind on the verge of shutting down. My own freaking brother invokes that fear. How fucked-up is that?
I rest the back of my heel against the bottom of the couch and press back until the blunt edge bites into the tendon.
“Don’t be sorry,” Trouble says huskily. “You’re not to blame for this. Just you being here in the same room with me is enough. We’ll work up to the other stuff at whatever pace you want.”
I see him trying to put on a brave face, but I can tell the distance I keep between us is killing him.
I nod, too choked up to speak. If it’s the last thing I do, I will get over my fear. I need my brother like I need air to breathe.
“I’ve missed you so fuckin’ much, Rella,” he says gravelly.
“I’ve missed you too.” No words have ever been truer.
His elbows drop to his knees, his eyes staying locked on mine. “I’m so sorry I didn’t protect you more. I’m sorry you felt your only choice was to hurt yourself. I’m sorry I didn’t save you or come looking for you.”
I press my heel back harder against the bottom of the couch. “Please don’t,” I plead. “You were hurting just as much as I was. You did everything you could to protect me. You all did. We were only kids in a town filled with sick, perverted adults intent on their twisted paths. There wasn’t anything any of us could do to stop them.”
“I still should have—”
“Stop, Trouble. Don’t blame yourself for something you had no control over.”
He squeezes his eyes closed and nods.
“I’m so damn glad you’re here.”
“I am too. I’m sorry I waited so long.”
His hands clench and unclench. “I understand why you waited. It hurts knowing I wasn’t there for you all these years, but it doesn’t matter. You’re here now.”
Deanna and Mick loved me, but it was never the same as my brother’s love. Knowing we’re back together and I’ll have that love again releases some of the tension in my stomach.
My eyes fall on Remi, who’s still on the couch. I catch the tears on her cheeks before she quickly wipes them away.
“I’m glad you’re happy,” I tell Trouble, sliding my eyes back to him. “I can see the love you both share for each other.”
He smiles. “She and Elijah are my life.”