To Cut a Long Story Short

‘Why’s that?’

‘Because it would amuse me to see the faces of the wives of those councillors, not to mention the police officers, I’ve shared a bed with.’

‘But it could turn out to be a trap.’

‘I can’t imagine how,’ said Maggie, ‘when we know for certain that them in the South won’t give us any trouble, and anyone who could in the North is sure to be at the party.’

‘That wouldn’t stop them raiding our place while we’re off the premises.’

‘What a disappointment that will be for them,’ said Maggie, ‘when they discover the staff have been given the night off, and it’s nothing more than the home of two decent, law-abiding citizens.’

Eamonn remained sceptical, and it wasn’t until Maggie arrived back from Dublin with a new dress she wanted everyone to see her in that he finally surrendered and agreed to accompany her to the party. ‘But we won’t stay for more than an hour, and that’s my final word on the subject,’ he warned her.

When they left the house on the night of the party, Eamonn checked that every window was locked and every door was bolted before he set the alarm. He then drove slowly around the perimeter of his land, warning all the guards to be especially careful and to call him on his mobile if they spotted anything suspicious - and he meant anything.

Maggie, who was checking her hair in the car mirror, told him that if he took much longer there wouldn’t be any party left to go to.

When they walked into the ballroom of the Queen’s Arms half an hour later, Billy Gibson seemed genuinely pleased to see them, which only made Eamonn feel even more suspicious.

‘I don’t think you’ve met my successor,’ said the Chief, before introducing Eamonn and Maggie to Jim Hogan. ‘But I’m sure you know of his reputation.’

Eamonn knew of his reputation only too well, and wanted to return home immediately, but someone pressed a pint of Guinness into his hand, and a young constable asked Maggie for a dance.

While she was dancing, Eamonn looked around the room to see if there was anyone he knew. Far too many, he concluded, and couldn’t wait for an hour to pass so he could go home. But then his eyes rested on Mick Burke, a local pickpocket who was serving behind the bar. Eamonn was surprised that, with Mick’s record, they had let him past the front door. But at least he had found someone he could have a quiet chat to.

When the band stopped playing, Maggie joined the queue for food and filled a plate with salmon and new potatoes. She took the offering across to Eamonn, who for a few minutes looked almost as if he was enjoying himself. After a second helping he started swapping stories with one or two members of the Garda, who appeared to be hanging on his every word.

But the moment Eamonn heard eleven chime on the ballroom clock, he suddenly wanted to escape. ‘Even Cinderella didn’t leave the ball before twelve,’ Maggie told him. ‘And in any case, it would be rude to leave just as the Chief’s about to deliver his farewell speech.’

The toastmaster banged his gavel and called for order. A warm round of applause greeted Billy Gibson as he stepped forward to take his place in front of the microphone. He rested his speech on the lectern and smiled down at the assembled gathering.

‘My friends,’ he began, ‘ - not to mention one or two sparring partners.’ He raised his glass in the direction of Eamonn, delighted to see he was still among them. ‘It is with a heavy heart that I appear before you tonight, aware of how much I am indebted to all of you.’ He paused. ‘And I mean all of you.’ Cheers and catcalls followed these remarks, and Maggie was delighted to see that Eamonn was joining in the laughter.

‘Now, I well remember when I first joined the force. That was when things were really tough.’ More cheers followed, and louder catcalls from the young. The noise died down eventually when the Chief resumed his speech, no one wishing to deny him the opportunity of reminiscing at his own farewell party.

Eamonn was still sober enough to notice the young constable entering the room, an anxious look on his face. He made his way quickly towards the stage, and although he evidently didn’t feel able to interrupt Billy’s speech, he carried out Mr Hogan’s instructions and placed a note in the middle of the lectern.

Eamonn began to fumble for his mobile, but he couldn’t find it in any of his pockets. He could have sworn he’d had it with him when he arrived.

‘When I hand in my badge at midnight …’ Billy said, glancing down at his speech to see the note in front of him. He paused and adjusted his glasses, as if trying to take in the significance of the message, then frowned and looked back up at his guests. ‘I must apologise, my friends, but it seems that there’s been an incident on the border that requires my personal attention. I have no choice but to leave immediately, and ask that all ranking officers join me outside. I hope our guests will continue to enjoy the party, and be assured we’ll return just as soon as we’ve sorted the little problem out.’

Only one person reached the front door before the Chief, and he was driving out of the carpark before even Maggie realised he’d left the room. However, the Chief, siren blaring, still managed to overtake Eamonn some two miles from the border.

‘Shall I have him stopped for speeding?’ asked the Chief ‘s driver.

‘No, I don’t think so,’ said Billy Gibson. ‘What’s the point of this whole performance if the principal actor is unable to make an entrance?’

When Eamonn brought his car to a halt at the edge of his property a few minutes later, he found it encircled by thick blue-and-white tape proclaiming ‘DANGER. DO NOT ENTER.’

He jumped out of his car and ran over to the Chief, who was receiving a briefing from a group of officers.

‘What the hell is going on?’ demanded Eamonn.

‘Ah, Eamonn, I’m so glad you were able to make it. I was just about to call you, in case you were still at the party. It seems that about an hour ago an IRA patrol was spotted on your land.’

‘Actually, that hasn’t been confirmed,’ said a young officer, who was listening intently to someone on a hand-phone. ‘There’s conflicting intelligence coming out of Ballyroney suggesting that they may have been loyalist paramilitaries.’

‘Well, whoever they are, my first interest must be the protection of lives and property, and to that end I’ve sent in the bomb squad to make sure it will be safe for you and Maggie to return to your home.’