Beautifully Broken

He pulls on his hair. “I really don’t think she would do that. Not when a child is involved.”

“But how can you—”

He holds his hand up. “I’m not that naïve; I’ve asked for a paternity test. She’s agreed to it as soon as the baby is born.”

“She can’t take one before?”

“She’s too far along,” he replies. “Even if she wasn’t, there’d be a risk for miscarriage so I would never ask her to do that. But again, I don’t think she would lie about this. I know her; she wouldn’t have agreed to the paternity test so readily if she had any doubt.”

“Couldn’t a judge force her to take one if you pursued it?”

“They could,” he answered. “And being an attorney she knows that, Kat. She’s been trying to make partner in her firm for the past two years. She wouldn’t risk a scandal like this. Yet another reason why I think she’s telling the truth.”

“What are you trying to say, Gavin? What does this mean for us?”

He sighs. “Hailey wants me to move in with her. For the baby.”

I clench my jaw. “And what did you tell her?”

“I told her I’d think about it.”

“So she wants to get back together?”

“I don’t know,” he says and shrugs. “I know she doesn’t want to do this alone and she knows how I feel about fatherhood. How I swore I would always be there for my kid after my birth father gave up his rights to me. I can’t have a child and not be actively involved in their life, Kat.”

“You don’t have to live with his mother to be a part of his life, Gavin.”

He grabs my hand. “Kat, can you really see me being a part-time dad? I can’t imagine raising my kid without both parents under the same roof.”

“So you’re getting back together with her?”

“I didn’t say that,” he says quickly. “That’s not what I want. I want you. I love you. I don’t know what to do. This is all so fucked up.”

I move my plate to the side and rest my head on the counter. “Wow…just wow.”

“Tell me about it,” he mumbles.

We sit there in silence, neither one of us knowing what to say. After who knows how long, I decide that I have to get out of here. I can’t just sit here while he decides so I jump down from the stool.

“What are you doing?” he asks.

I join him on the other side of the counter. Despite my best efforts, my tears break loose and I can’t seem to stop them.

“I’m leaving, Gavin.”

“What do you mean, you’re leaving?”

I stand on my toes to kiss him on the cheek. “I mean, that you have a big decision to make and I can’t just sit here while you’re considering moving in with your ex-wife.”

“Kat—”

“Don’t, Gavin. You need to do what you feel is right; I get that. But I can’t be here while you decide. I just can’t.” I begin backing away. “You let me know when you figure it out.”

“But—”

“You know where to find me when you’re ready. Until then, please respect the fact that I need some space.”

IT’S BEEN A WEEK SINCE GAVIN TOLD ME about the baby. A week that I’ve been hanging in limbo trying desperately to have some semblance of normalcy but failing miserably. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I’ve called in sick to work because I can’t stop crying. I can’t even force myself to show up for second period. The Monday after he told me, I walked through the door of his classroom, took one look at him, and ran out. I can see this is killing him as much as it’s killing me. He looked awful, something I would’ve never thought possible before now. His hair was disheveled, he hadn’t shaved in days, and he had dark circles under his eyes. Ever since then, I’ve spent my time in the library putting the finishing touches on my senior project.