Beautifully Broken

Should I tell him about my acceptance to Berkeley? Should I give him another option to consider? I think about what he said to me the last night we spent together. How I own his heart…how nothing will ever change that. Then I think about the very real possibility that he could grow to resent me if I’m the reason he’s not with his son every day. The reason why he misses his son’s first words, first steps, and all those amazing little milestones. I know from my own experience that having a baby completely alters your perspective on life. He says that he wants me now, but will he still feel that way when he realizes how much he’s missing?

I had to get out of my apartment so I’m spending the afternoon window shopping downtown. I wander into of one of my favorite boutiques to look through their selection of locally made lotions and soaps. As I’m sampling a vanilla lavender cream, something catches my attention out of the corner of my eye. I walk over to the display without thinking and pick up the tiny blue knit booties and hold them in my hand. I blink wetness away from my eyes as it really hits me that Gavin’s having a baby with another woman. He’s going to have a son in a matter of months. He should be excited about that, not completely unhappy like he is now.

I think about the last time we made love. How it felt so different from any of the other times we’ve been together. Why is that, I wonder. And then it hits me. That was Gavin’s way of saying goodbye. Even if he hasn’t consciously made a decision yet, he’s already made one in his heart. He knows he can’t live without his son. And he knows that he’d never forgive himself if he didn’t at least give this thing with Hailey a shot. That’s when I know what I have to do. I have to be the one to walk away. Because I know deep down he would never leave me willingly, but I can’t bear the thought of him resenting me because of it.

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I walk up to the cashier and place the booties on the counter. “I’ll take these, please.”

“Oh, what a lovely selection, dear,” the gray-haired woman remarks. “One of the ladies from my crochet club made these. Are they a gift?”

“Yes,” I nod, choking back a sob. “A friend of mine is having a baby in a few months.”

“How nice.” She punches some keys on her register. “Would you like these gift wrapped?”

“Um, sure.”

She smiles. “Great, that will be $17.50 total, please.”

I pull some cash out of my wallet and hand it over. She wraps the booties in white tissue paper and places them in a small box. I watch as she ties an intricate gold ribbon into the shape of a bow on top.

She offers the package to me. “Here you go, dear. Have a lovely day.”

“Thank you.”

I dart to my car and take several fortifying breaths. I glance at the box on the passenger seat before putting my car in gear and reversing out of the parking spot. I fight back tears the entire drive, knowing what I’m about to do is going to cause so much pain. As much as it hurts right now, though, I truly feel it’s the right thing to do. I pull into Gavin’s driveway and exit the car with the gift in hand before I talk myself out of it. I knock on the door, bracing myself.

“Kat, wh-what are you doing here? I thought you said you needed space.”

God, he looks even worse than the last time I saw him. “Can I come in?”

He steps aside and allows me to pass through the doorway. “Of course. Here, let me hang up your coat.”

“No, I’m not staying.” I thrust the box forward. “Here, this is for you.”

He shuts the door behind him and gives me a questioning look. “What is it?”

“Open it and find out.”

He releases the bow and breaks the seal. I hold my breath as he lifts the lid and moves the tissue paper to uncover the contents. I know the second he figures out what they are because he gets a pained look on his face and closes the box.

“Kat…what is this? Why did you get this for me?”

“Because you’re going to be a dad, Gavin,” I sniff. “And you should be happy about that. You should be excited about buying things like clothes, and cribs, and all the things that a baby needs.”

“I don’t understand where this is coming from.”

“This is a big deal. You’re having a baby. And I’m glad that you’re going to have this opportunity.”

“I sense a ‘but’ coming.”

“But…” I wipe the moisture away from my cheeks. “But I’m not going to be there to see it.”

He drops the box and grabs my shoulders. “Kat, no. You can’t do this.”

“I’ve accepted a full scholarship from Florida State.”

“You w-what?” he stutters.