Beauty in the Ashes

“Oh, Cael,” she sobbed, grasping onto my shoulders and trying to pull me close. I didn’t move. I couldn’t. Fear paralyzed me to the spot. I didn’t want her crying for me. I didn’t deserve her tears, not at all.

In a sw

eet gesture, she kissed my forehead. “I love you,” she whispered, “it’ll be okay. You have to know that.”

I swallowed thickly at her words. She shouldn’t love me. Someone like me didn’t deserve it.

I didn’t say that to her though. Instead, I replied with the truth that I’d only uttered two times before. “I live for you.”

She held me tight for a while longer. She didn’t seem bothered by the fact that I didn’t reciprocate the comfort.

“Do you want anything to eat?” She asked, and in the dim light I saw her swipe at her face, removing any traces of tears.

“I’m not hungry,” I muttered.

“Okay,” she whispered. “Well, I am. I’ll make a little extra in case you change your mind.” Standing, she wiped her palms on the legs of her pants—a nervous gesture. “You might want to shower. I only rinsed you off. I’ll—uh—get you some clean clothes. I threw away what you had on. It was ruined.”

“Thank you,” I whispered before she exited the room.

She stopped, her hand wrapped tightly around the door. “You’re welcome.”

It then dawned on me that I didn’t think I’d ever thanked her for anything. She deserved more than a thank you for everything she had done for me.

I slowly got myself to my feet.

Since I was already in the bathtub, I closed the curtain and turned the shower on. I didn’t bother with a light. My eyes were still too sensitive.

I used Sutton’s soap to clean my hair and body. Like I had suspected, it was coconut scented. I would never be able to look at anything coconut related the same way again.

Once I was clean, I wrapped a towel around my waist. It had been conveniently left on the counter. My clothes, however, were not there.

I figured Sutton was trying to force me out of the dark bathroom.

She was smarter than I gave her credit for.

Sure enough, I found my clothes lying across her bed. While it was brighter in her apartment, than the bathroom, she had been kind enough to close the blinds and curtains. I guess I couldn’t grumble about her stupid curtains anymore, because right now they sure came in handy.

She was in the kitchen, finishing up whatever she was cooking, and paid me no attention as I dressed.

I knew I must have been in a bad state when she found me last night.

After the realization that returning to my childhood home might be a good thing, I resorted to the same thing I’d done the last five years to block out emotions better left buried. Drugs and alcohol were always there when I needed them. I didn’t have the willpower to stay away. Was I doing better? I guess so. But I think last night proved that I needed more help than I was prepared to ask for.

Once I was dressed, I ventured over to the kitchen.

My stomach rumbled—an unusual occurrence after I went on a rampage like I had last night.

Sutton turned towards me with a little smirk on her plump lips. I wanted to grab her and kiss her, but I was afraid after last night she might be disgusted by me. I couldn’t blame her if she was. I was disgusted by myself.

“Sounds to me like you’re hungry,” she noted.

“A little,” I shrugged, shoving my hands in the pockets of my jeans for lack of knowing what to do with them. “Do you need some help?” I asked.

“No,” she shook her head. “I’m almost done here.”

“Oh,” I mumbled, moving out of her way and taking a seat at one of the stools. “I’ll stay out of your way then.”

She rolled her eyes. “You weren’t in my way, Caelan.”