Beauty in the Ashes

I grabbed the apron from my locker. “I know I can,” I assured him.

“Have you seen a therapist?” He asked.

“I’ve only been out of the hospital for a week. What do you think?” I replied as I tied the piece of fabric around my waist.

“I think you should,” he shrugged. “It would be good for you to get help.”

“Ha!” I chortled. “Yeah, and let someone pick my brain, learn all my dirty secrets, and sit there thinking what a horrible person I am? I don’t think so!”

“I think you’re making a mistake,” he said, blocking me from leaving the room.

“Emery,” I said his name as calmly as possible, “please, I’m begging you, let it go. Don’t worry about me. I’m fine. What I did was a dreadful mistake. I’m sorry if I hurt you with what I did, but it happened. It’s in the past now and I’m ready to move on.”

“Three weeks is in the past? You think that’s enough time to move on from a suicide attempt? You’re crazier than I thought,” he shook his head, laughing humorlessly.

His words stung but I tried my best not to show that.

Upon noticing my frown, he mumbled, “Oh, crap. I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry.”

I raised my shoulders slightly, feigning that I was unaffected. “It’s okay. You’re right. I am crazy.”

“Fuck,” he groaned and scrubbed his hands over his face. “I’m the shittiest friend ever.”

“I think we both are,” I told him.

Shaking his head, he said, “Let’s start this over…I’m really worried about you.”

“Don’t be. Honestly.” I pulled my hair back into a ponytail and secured it with a hair tie.

“I can’t not be,” he insisted, still blocking my exit. He was persistent and I wasn’t going to leave this room until he was done talking. I sighed, hoping he would stop talking soon. I wanted to get to work and return to normal—well, as normal as my life could be.

I forced a smile and prayed that if I played nice this conversation might end. “I’m sure between you and Memphis I won’t be able to do anything stupid. Not that I’m planning to. I know I owe you all an explanation,” I nibbled my bottom lip nervously, fuck I hated getting personal with people and showing vulnerability, “but I can’t right now. Just know, I had my reasons for doing what I did. It wasn’t a decision I took lightly. But fate,” I tossed the word he so often used back in his face, “had other plans and here I am now.” I spread my arms wide. “Looks like you’re all stuck with my bitchy and sarcastic self for a while longer.”

He chucked and reached out to wrap one arm around my shoulders.

“We’re not stuck with you. In fact,” he grinned as he ruffled my hair, messing up the ponytail, “we all kind of like you.”

???

I wasn’t surprised when Memphis showed up at the end of my shift to walk me home.

Emery grinned widely at seeing us leave together. Creeper.

“You really don’t need to do this.” I told Memphis once we were on the street outside. My breath fogged the chilly January air and I pulled my gloves from the pocket of my coat and put them on. The cold air felt good to my heated skin but I didn’t want to get sick.

Memphis reached up and adjusted the beanie he wore. “I know, but I want to.” Looking at me significantly, he added, “I never do anything unless I want to.”

My breath left my body with a shaky rhythm. “I don’t understand why you’re still here,” I shook my head and looked at the sidewalk below my feet. I watched him from the corner of my eyes, and added, “I’m not very nice to you.”

He laughed at that. “No, you’re not, but I’ve learned some things are worth fighting for.” He stopped on the sidewalk and grabbed my hand so that I was forced to halt. With his other hand he reached up to tenderly cup my cheek. Despite the cold temperature his touch was warm. I found my eyes drifting closed as my body relaxed against his touch. While from the moment I met him my brain and heart had fought against what I felt for him I could never seem to control my body. I hadn’t given Memphis a fair shot. I’d been to enamored by the mystery that lurked across the hallway in the form of a tortured artist.

“Don’t push me,” I gasped, “I’m not ready.” My heart wasn’t ready to love again—it was far too soon—but that didn’t stop my body from curling into his. I’d argued with him non-stop for weeks, because I wanted him to leave. I never told him, but the real reason I wanted him to leave wasn’t because his presence was unwelcome. It was because it felt right. More right than Caelan had, and that scared me something fierce. I didn’t know how to handle these feelings. It seemed unfair to fall for someone else when I’d loved Caelan so fiercely, but I couldn’t be alone forever. I did need time to heal, though. Maybe one day I’d be strong enough to be the woman Memphis saw, but I wasn’t there yet.

“I know you’re not,” he forced my chin up so that I couldn’t look away from his searing gaze. “I won’t push you for more. I may hope, but if you never feel anything for me it’s okay.”

My heart wrenched painfully at the sincerity in his gaze and tone. Memphis was a good guy. I’d never been with a good guy before. Even my ex, Brandon, had been one of the bad ones—always taking his temper out on me with his fists. Back then, though, I’d craved that. I felt the need to be punished, because Marcus had managed to delude me into believing what he did to me was my fault. Guys like him were cunning and they knew how to get inside your head and mess with your thoughts. He’d fucked me up.

“Can I hug you?” I whispered. I was suddenly overwhelmed with the desire to be held—nothing more—and Memphis made me feel safe.