I flinched, turning away.
She continued, “You’re allowed to mourn them, Rae. You lost them too.”
My hands began to shake and I felt the telltale burning in my eyes that indicated the threat of tears, and lots of them. Kathleen was exactly right.
“You have to let yourself mourn them,” she reached out, gently placing only the tips of her fingers against my knee. “Say goodbye to them and put this all to rest. I’m not saying you need to forget them, or that this will magically heal you, but it is a huge step. This will always be a part of you, Rachael, but it doesn’t have to define you.”
She sat back and grabbed a tissue. She held it out to me and I accepted it, dabbing at my now damp face.
Right after the accident I cried all the time, especially when I woke up in the mornings and realized it wasn’t a nightmare. My tears had dried up about six months after the accident, but coming to college seemed to have stirred them up again.
“It’s okay. Let it out.”
And I did.
A year and half’s worth of tears burst forth and nothing else had ever been so cleansing.
***
“I can’t believe Cade isn’t coming home for Christmas,” Thea whined, neatly folding her clothes and packing them in a suitcase. “It’s Winter Break! Who wouldn’t want to go home? Well…except for you two apparently.” Her mouth fell open with a sudden gasp. “Oh my God, are you two planning like a romantic getaway or something?”
I snorted. “Absolutely not. I don’t have a romantic bone in my body.”
“But my brother does.” She eyed me with a hand on her hip.
I raised my hands in surrender. “Honestly, we have no plans. I just don’t feel like going home and he doesn’t either.”
“Whatever,” she huffed, zipping her suitcase. “You’re both so boring.” Her phone beeped with a text message and she read the screen. “That’s my mom. She’s picking me up since Cade obviously won’t be taking me home. I need to get my own car,” she rambled. “Anyway,” she walked over to me and held her arms out, “I’m going to miss you and I’ll see you when break is over.”
I hugged her back. “I’ll miss you too,” I said and meant it. I’d become so used to seeing Thea every day, and listening to her prattle on about random nonsense that it would be weird to be without her for two whole weeks. Maybe while she was gone I could have a ceremonial burning of all the pink shit on her side of the room. With the way she was dressed—leather jacket, torn jeans, and boots—I doubted she’d mind seeing the stuff gone.
“Text me!” She called over her shoulder as she left the room.
I wasn’t prepared for the amount of loneliness I’d feel the moment Thea was gone. She was always so fun and energetic and while at times it was annoying I had grown comfortable with her exuberance.
I spent a few hours editing photos, talking to Nova on the phone—she’d flown home to California—and watching Netflix.
College life. What could I say?
I wasn’t surprised when there was a knock on my dorm room door around dinnertime.
I opened the door to find Cade holding an armful of food and other bags.
“Moving in?” I joked.
He laughed. “If you let me.”
I closed the door behind him and he set the bags on Thea’s bed. He began unpacking them and I saw that he’d brought Chinese and… “Candles?” I questioned. “Why did you bring candles?”
He turned to me and smiled, that same smile that always made my knees quake. “I may be a guy, but I thought girls liked candles.”
“Candles are fine, I just wondered why you brought them,” I shrugged, my stomach rumbling as I inhaled the scent of the food. “Besides, I think it’s against school rules to light candles in the dorms.
“Rules were made for breaking,” he countered.
He grabbed the fluffy blanket I kept on my bed and spread it on the floor along with several pillows. He then set the food on the blanket and scattered the candles around. He pulled a lighter out of his pocket and lit all the candles before dimming the lights in the room.
He surveyed the room with his hands on his hips. “What do you think?”