“Oh?” Rachel paused, her fork dangling in midair between her mouth and her own meal. “You don’t sound all that happy about it.”
I released a slow sigh. “Yes and no. Things have just been so strange since he left. I knew it wouldn’t be the same as when we were together in Holiday Cove, but I didn’t expect it to be this difficult.”
Rachel nodded thoughtfully. “Difficult how?”
“Well, besides just missing him like crazy and worrying about his safety, Talking to him on a computer isn’t the same as talking to him face-to-face. It’s like all the sparkling chemistry and fireworks, all that stuff we shared, isn’t necessarily gone, but it’s not the same.”
I hesitated, wondering how much of our previous call I should tell her about. Rachel and I had been best friends for years and shared all manner of girl talk, including graphic details of our sex lives. Neither one of us was a prude, but I still wasn’t sure if I should tell her about the phone sex that had led up to the awkward conversation. But the sharp contrast of the two conversations, and the sequence of them, was the thing that had me the most worried.
“I don’t know Rach; I just feel like I’m losing him before I ever got him. He’s so busy that he doesn’t have time for me right now. And even just saying that makes me feel like a selfish bitch, because what he’s doing is obviously so much more important. Still, at the same time, it just makes me worry that when it’s all over, we won’t have anything to stand on. I’m a realist, and I know that I’d felt things I’d never felt before, but I’d be an idiot to forget that it was only a week and a half.”
Rachel waited as I paused to determine my next point. I didn’t want to dismiss what Jack and I had shared, but there were times when I questioned if what we’d shared at the beach was just an illusion—a dream— and I was waiting around for him to get home just to find out that we weren’t going to work outside of the vacation bubble.
“This is real life, not a fantasy or the plot for a romance novel. It feels like I’m wanting too much in just a short time.”
Rachel set down her food and leaned forward, bracing her elbows on the edge of my desk. “Have you considered the fact that you’re feeling this way because you’ve been burnt by this life before? Maybe, after everything with your ex-husband, it makes it easier for you to conclude that you should cut and run?”
“Cut and run?” I jerked my eyes up to stare at her. “I never said anything about cut and run.”
“You didn’t have to.” Rachel’s eyes softened as she met my gaze. “It’s understandable, Holly. Anyone who’s been through a divorce has a hard time learning to trust again. Especially when they were the ones who were cheated on. Now, I’m not saying that you’re wrong. For all I know Jack could be a total loser. But I don’t think he is. From what I know, both from meeting him, even though it was brief, and from what you told me about him, he seems like the real deal.”
“He is Rach.” I nodded and couldn’t help but smile.
“Well, then, from my point of view as your armchair psychologist, it seems like your source of anxiety has nothing to do with Jack, or even how fast your relationship is moving. It has everything to do with the fact that your ex was deployed, cheated, came back and acted like a total dick head. No one wants to repeat that story. So, as much as your heart is telling you that Jack’s different and it feels different, your mind is still reminding you that you followed your heart once before and you ended up getting hurt. Badly. And I think as long as your head and your heart are at war, you’re going to feel this way.”
Rachel’s words sunk in slowly but took root once they were planted. “But how do I get them to agree? How do I convince my head to trust my heart?”
“I think it comes with time,” Rachel replied thoughtfully. “You were right when you said Jack and you don’t have a good foundation. That’s not possible in a week and a half. And to be honest, the fact that he’s overseas and you don’t get to talk to him every day isn’t helping. You just have to trust the process and wait until he gets back and see if things change once you’re back in the same state and can talk to each other and see each other.”
She stared at me for a moment, reading my expression, and broke into a smile. “I know that’s not what you want to hear. Learning patience sucks. All day every day. But Holls, I think you know this guy is worth a shot. I think something special is in store for you guys if you can fight through the next six months. I really do.”