Dirty Sweet Cowboy

I almost choke on the tea I’m drinking. If there is one thing Anna can be counted on for, it’s speaking her mind. And I can tell by look on Sam’s face he’s not amused .

“Why don’t we have a nice, quiet dinner? In silence?” Sam says before handing out slices of turkey .

Anna shrugs. “Suits me fine, Pa .”

Candy just shakes her head and I look over at my little girl, grateful she’s still too little to pick up on sarcasm .

* * *

I t’s after midnight, and I’m sitting in my bed in the carriage house, a quilt wrapped around my shoulders and the TV humming gently in the background. Gracie is asleep in her room, and I’m enjoying just about the only time of day I actually get to be alone. It’s also when I pull out my wedding album sometimes, and look through it. I don’t like everyone else to know how much I still miss having a real family, because they’ve all come to see me as the strong one. But I’m not. I run my fingers along the outline of his sweet face. Matt looked nothing like the rest of his brothers. He was smaller, his face more gentle. He had the same stormy ocean-blue eyes as the rest of boys, but his blonde hair was already starting gray when we got married, and it carried down into his beard. When he laughed, it was with pure joy, and the room would light up with his happiness. Even now, I feel the absence of it, and I can’t imagine any man ever filling my life up like that again .

I see Matt’s eyes, his smile, and his infectious laugh in Gracie. They would have been the best of friends; I know it every time I look at her. And I try to picture ever letting anyone else into her life in that way. It feels impossible. I’m barely thirty-two-years-old, I have a little girl, and I can’t help but wonder …

Is this it for me? Is this the rest of my life ?

Hawk

I pull the truck off the two-lane highway that leads to my family’s ranch, and before I drive through the gate, I pull over and take a deep breath. Not only did I forget how much I hate to drive, but I wasn’t expecting to feel so many conflicting emotions about being back here. When I hit the road that lead into Dylan from the interstate, all of my memories of growi

ng up here came flooding back, and I was overcome with nostalgia. And sadness, and guilt. And then I was hit with the realization that Matt wouldn’t be at the ranch when I got there, and it somehow intensified everything. By the time I get to the ranch, I might be having a legitimate panic attack .

So now, I’m just sitting here, taking slow breaths in and out, wondering if it’s too late to turn around and go back to the airport. But then, I hear a horn honking as a truck and trailer pull up next to me. I turn, and it’s my dad, grinning and waving at me. I roll down the window and smile .

“Hey, Pop !”

“My boy! You’re here! I could have picked you up at the airport if you’d told me when you were getting in,” he shouts over the rumbling of his giant pickup .

“It’s fine, I didn’t want you to waste the time driving there and back. Head on in, Dad. I’ll meet you at the house !”

He waves again and drives off, and I take a last deep breath and follow him down the long dirt road that leads through the pastures that surround the ranch. Every marker I pass, a willow tree, a stretch of fence, conjures up another memory of being a kid here. Of growing into a man here. Of not being the man I needed to be for my family, when they needed me most .

I suddenly realize that, all these years, I’ve been really good at stifling down the guilt I felt over leaving, and for not coming back after Matt. But now, it’s washing over me all at once, like a tidal wave .

This is going to be an awesome month , I think as I pull the rental truck up in front of the main house. I don’t even have time to turn it off before I see my mother running out on the front steps, waving and laughing and smiling so happily, it puts a knot in my throat. I get out of the truck, and mom is on me, hugging me and kissing my cheeks before I can even shut the door .

“My baby! You’re home! I’ve missed you so much!” I start laughing as she holds me so tight, I can barely breathe .

“It’s good to see you, mama. I’m sorry I …”

She puts her hand in front of my mouth to stop me from continuing. “It’s all in the past. You just get inside and let your mama get you some food .”

“Mom, I ate on the plane. I really don’t need …”

I don’t have time to finish because I look up, and my sister Anna is standing on the steps to the house, her arms crossed over her chest, scowling at me like she wants to wring my neck. Her bright red hair is flaming in the sunlight, and her eyes are flashing with a rage I don’t think I’ve ever seen in her before .

“Hey, Anna,” I say as I walk up to her .

“Hey, asshole,” she answers, not making a move toward me .

“I deserve that .”

“No kidding,” she says as she surveys me. “You’re too thin. Don’t you eat out there ?”

I try to keep my laugh to a minimum, afraid of setting off my spitfire of a sister. “I eat. I’ve missed you, Banana .”

“You could have come home at any time. I can think of a few specifically …”

Dad walks up and stands in between us. “Children. Can we save this for later? Hawk just got here. Let him get settled in, and then you can continue making him feel like hell. Does that seem fair ?”