Ben’s arms wrapped around me, holding me steady. It happened quickly, and he pulled me against his chest, perhaps in an accidental overcorrection to keep me from falling backward. I wanted to think there was another reason. Maybe that was why I didn’t move away.
We stayed like that for a moment, my hands clutching the lapels of his jacket as his arms remained locked around me. Our bodies pressed close to each other, so tight that I could feel the heat radiating from him, and our mouths were only inches away from touching. I stared up into his eyes, certain I saw desire there. I know I felt it through my veins, and I licked my lips.
The hard bulge pressing against my hip a second later confirmed I wasn’t imagining things. I gasped at the feeling of his cock stiffening against me.
He gave me a crooked grin, and the corners of his eyes crinkled. “I’m sorry. It’s an automatic response to being so close to a beautiful woman.”
My insides went mushy at the words, and I felt like I was melting under the intensity of his gaze. For a second, I hovered on the edge of tilting forward and pressing my lips to his. He seemed to be having a similar thought, and his head moved down toward me.
“Are you guys going to kiss?”
Elle’s question startled us both and we jumped apart like scalded cats. Thankfully, I didn’t trip this
time. I frowned at her and shook my head. “Of course not.”
She looked skeptical. “You looked like you were going to. You looked like in the movies.”
“Oh come on, Elle, we weren’t doing anything like that at all,” said Ben in a slightly gruff tone. “Lindsay nearly fell, and I caught her. That’s all.”
Elle looked skeptical. She was too perceptive for her age. The speculation gleaming in her eyes worried me, as did the grin that broke over her face a few minutes later. I could see her starting to entertain thoughts that were bound to break her heart. When she skipped up beside me and took my hand in hers, I still squeezed, not wanting to deny her the loving connection, though I was terrified I was setting her up for disappointment. And maybe setting myself up for disappointment, came the thought in my mind.
“Maybe you’re right. Maybe I will have a baby someday.”
“After college,” I admonished with a wink.
“Sure.” She leaned closer, pitching her voice so Ben couldn’t hear it from where he stood on my other side. “Remember, I want a sister.”
I feigned ignorance. “Like I said, maybe you’ll have that someday. That’s up to your mom and dad.”
She winked at me, as though we were sharing a big secret. “Sure, Lindsay.” She ran ahead before turning around to call over her shoulder, “A girl.”
I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, so I just settled for a quick nod that seemed to satisfy her as she returned her attention to the snakes around us. When she yelled, “It’s snowing!” and began catching the stray flakes on her tongue, I knew I was off the hook. At least for now.
Ben bent his head, bringing it close to my ear. “What was that all about?”
I shook my head. “Trust me, you don’t want to know.”
He didn’t press the issue, and we moved on, following behind Elle as she weaved her way through the first the reptile house, before moving on to the rain forest a short time later.
It didn’t escape my notice that Ben and I walked together, side-by-side, and I also acknowledged his hand was on my lower back for much of the trip. I was too weak-willed to step away, and despite the chill in the air, not strong enough to cuddle closer. It was limbo, a different kind of torture. I wanted him, but I was afraid of wanting him. I was already growing closer to Elle than was probably wise, and I was destined for a double dose of heartbreak if and when Ben found himself in a relationship. If Elle had a new mother figure, she likely wouldn’t need a nanny, and I couldn’t imagine the torture of remaining in the Imperial and watching him with another woman.
Things were already a tangled mess, and making some kind of play for Ben would add more knots to the snarl. No matter how hard it was to hold myself back, to deny myself what I wanted, I had to—even though I was becoming more and more certain Ben wanted me as well. Even if he were attracted to me, I wasn’t naïve enough to think that it would last. Men like him grow bored with inexperienced virgins like me and would quickly move on, but it’s not like I would be able to do the same. I liked Ben a lot, and allowing the strong twinge in my core to persuade me into sleeping with him would just be crazy. I couldn’t risk this becoming something that I couldn’t stand to lose.
Don’t get crazy, Lindsay. I was still repeating that mantra in my head when Ben’s arm curved around my shoulder in what seemed to be an unconscious act. Absolutely sensible, I reminded myself as I snuggled closer.
When we stopped for hot chocolate, and his arm was still around me, I knew I was in dangerous territory.
Chapter 9
Ben
Things had been awkward with Lindsay ever since our almost-kiss at the zoo. Even days later she was shying away from me—maybe because I’d made an effort to steer clear of her too. The temptation was strong. It was worrisome enough to keep me from seeing her, at least for now.
If that weren’t bad enough, Elle’s guidance counselor called to set up a meeting. Lindsay took the message and passed it on to me here at the office. Margot agreed to stay late to watch my daughter, and Lindsay agreed to come with me.
It was just about time to pick up Lindsay at the apartment and I tossed a few things in my briefcase before heading out. Hector waited with the car, and I slid inside the back. I drummed my fingers on my case as we made our way home. I buzzed Lindsay a few minutes before arrival, and she was waiting for me when the car drew up. She’d been laughing at something Bill had said, and the sight of her made me catch my breath.
She was so fucking beautiful. She radiated innocence and sweetness—all the things Ashe wasn’t. At least she had never been those things when I’d known her, though she must have been at some point, I suppose. In the early days, she’d been good at hiding her addiction. The long hours I worked to build the company and elevate our lifestyle had helped her hide it as well. I knew she drank too much alcohol, but the heroin addiction blindsided me.