“Fuck this,” I whisper to myself as I angrily brush a tear away. “Fuck all of this. Fuck everything.”
I don’t want to be here. I don’t want any of this. I might have organized everything and put it all together for Sadie, but that can be my closure, can’t it? That can be my goodbye to her. I won’t ever have proper closure. Not when I am the one who caused all of this to happen. I can’t listen to anything that will be said in that church…
“Come on.” But before I can run off, Mom takes my arm and smiles weakly at me through her tears. “It’s time to go inside. Are you ready?” I want to say no but she needs me right now. She can’t do this alone. “Come on.”
“I…” I have to do this for her. This is no longer about me. “ Come on, let’s go inside.”
It’s surreal, being inside of this building. Being within the church walls and knowing that this is the end. It’s awful. My heart squeezes so tight I can barely feel anything, I can’t breathe. If it wasn’t for my mom dragging me forward, I would have run away. But she’s pulling me to the front where we will sit.
Everything that I have thrown together to celebrate my sister’s life starts to play out in front of me. I go on autopilot. Kind words are spoken, pictures are shown, tears are shed all around me, but none of it is real. It’s almost like I am sitting on the edge of everything just watching it happen. There is no emotional connection to any of it, I am distant, it’s like I don’t even know the person who the priest is speaking about …
I was asked to speak, Mom wanted me to say some stuff about Sadie, but I can’t. I don’t feel like I deserve that at all. I’m the guy who killed her, I shouldn’t be the one saying nice things about her even if I know her the best and could say some incredible things about who she is as a person, but… I can’t. Even if I had agreed, I don’t think that I would be able to do it in reality. It’s too intense, this whole thing…
I suppose I could have asked Jill as her best friend. That would make a lot of sense, but she doesn’t deserve to do it either for the same reasons as me. Plus, she hasn’t even been on my mind at all, so why would I ask? Aside from the fact that she would be able to say some meaningful words about her best friend who is no longer on the planet… I don’t think that I would be able to handle it if she was up there.
I don’t know where Jill is in the church, but I can sense her presence behind me somewhere. She has a desperate anger rolling off her, surging through my system, a rage that I can hardly contain. Mom touches me and whispers at me to stop shaking, but I can’t. The walls might as well be closing in on me because I can’t breathe. I’m restless, I need to do something, but I can’t. I can’t because my mother needs me.
It’s a relief when people begin standing to exit the church. I know that we’re going on to the worst part of the ceremony because we have the burial still, but the walls are crushing me. I need fresh air. Mom tries to grab me, to stop me from exiting too quickly, but I’m beyond doing what she needs me to right now. I’m a mess.
“Fuck.” I want to yell, but I whisper instead. It doesn’t do anything to make me feel any better, it does nothing to ease the tension inside my body, but I say it more and more. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.”
I have to stop as the rest of the people who are in attendance are near enough to hear the curses from my mouth. My mom especially, it would really upset her today of all days, and she is one of the first people out. She shoots me a look that could either be a glare or a look of sympathy however I decide to take it, and then she takes my arm so that we can walk together to the burial plot to say our final goodbyes to Sadie.
I can’t do it, my brain screams. I can’t see her being lowered into the ground, buried, I can’t say goodbye.
To make it worse, the sun beams brightly over us all. It’s the sort of weather that Sadie would have loved. She was a sun junkie, and would definitely be in one of her summer dresses and loving her life today… but there is no life to love. She has nothing left. I’ll never see her again, and it makes me want to weep like a fucking baby.