“It will be okay,” Mom whispers to me. “It will be fine. Trust me. Stay with me.”
But it isn’t okay, at all. I really can’t stand next to the hole while the coffin is lowered into it. This scene is triggering a million different emotions inside of me and I can’t handle any of them. Anger, sadness, hurt, guilt, some emotions that I don’t even know the name of. I can’t… no one should have to say goodbye to anyone… no one should have to experience this grief… it isn’t right. This is a nightmare, and I’m in hell…
I barely notice that I’m running away from the grave and the burial until the shade of a tree covers me. I need to be alone. I don’t know where I want to be, but it isn’t here anymore. It isn’t at this funeral, saying goodbye to my sister.
“Garrett!” Oh God, I want to be alone, but someone is coming after me. “Garrett, wait.”
I don’t want to wait, but I do.
Chapter 9 – Jill
I don’t know if he’s going to stop, he seems desperate to get away, but thankfully he does. He freezes and slowly turns around to look at me. Not that he really sees me, it’s more like his eyes are burning a hole right through me. If hate and despair had a face right now, it was Garretts.
“Garrett, I’m so sorry,” I gasp, breathless from the run after him as I catch up. “I know that this must be hard for you. Saying goodbye is horrible. But, saying it to Sadie is…. I just can’t believe she’s gone.”
Seeing Sadie in a coffin, watching her being lowered into the ground where she will be forever, is the worst thing I’ve seen in my entire life. It doesn’t feel real because this only happens to other people, not you. I mean, I just saw her, we just got ready together, we were just planning our lives together, she’s my age! If my father wasn’t beside me through the whole thing, supporting me the entire week, I don’t think I could do it. My heart is broken, in more ways in one. But Garrett doesn’t have that support because his mother is grieving too, she’s just as much of a mess as him.
“This isn’t fair.” I reach out to touch him, hold him so I can support him. He needs someone and it should be me. We are both culpable in this, and we are supposed to be in love, after all. “I don’t know what to say. I feel like I’m in hell.”
I expect Garrett to take comfort in me, to hug me right back because through everything, he must have missed me just as much as I have him, but that doesn’t happen. He shoves me away and steps backwards. It’s like he can’t wait to get away from me, which he hasn’t ever acted like before. I’m shocked, it makes me want to throw up.
He’s grieving, I know this. So, I try my best to convince myself that he is acting out because he’s sad. It’s fine. We’re fine.
But I am grieving too. Sadie was my best friend. There is a piece of me missing without her here too. We should be going through this together. Garrett and I share the grief and guilt here. We are the only ones who can understand what each other is going through right now.
“I know,” I say thickly through a large ball of emotion that lodges in my throat. “I get it. No one should have to go through this. Your family must be gutted.”
I don’t know what I’m saying, I’m too tired and distraught to think of the right words, but I wasn’t expecting to say all of the wrong ones. But clearly, that’s exactly what I’m doing judging by his face. His expression is crushing, twisting, turning in to something that is scary in pure unadulterated rage.
“We did this!” he suddenly explodes. He’s obviously been holding everything in and taking his anger out on me. As if I’m not going through enough. “This is our fault, Jill, unless you don’t remember what happened at that stupid, fucking party. If we hadn't fucked in that stupid barn, Sadie wouldn’t be dead right now.”
Fucked… I really hate that’s how he’s now describing us losing our virginity together. Sure, it ended up being the worst night of our lives, but I thought that before that moment it was everything I ever wanted, with the man I loved. I flinch. I can’t help myself. I wasn’t expecting this from Garrett, and I don’t know that to do.
“You and I… we should have never been together.” He flicks his finger back and forth between us. “It should never have happened. The fact that we had to keep it a secret is a sign that we shouldn’t have been a couple in the first place. We knew it was going to upset Sadie and that’s why we never told her. That’s why… all of this…”