He can hardly breathe which makes me start to cry. I didn’t know that I had any tears left. Garrett and I are still supposed to be in love, even when it’s hard. Of course I don’t expect us to be all over one another right now, but we are always supposed to work through our problems together. Isn’t that what two people in love do? So, what is this?
“We didn’t think that she would end up anything other than extremely mad,” I reply quietly. “No one could have ever known how this would turn out.”
“That doesn’t make us any less responsible.” He leans in, letting me see the rage in his eyes. “We still caused this. If we hadn't kept this relationship a secret, this would have never happened. We could have told her a million times, and we chose not to. We obviously knew on some level that she would be hurt and angry and need space. But add the fact that she was so wasted, she did something she would have never done if she were sober. Walking miles home in the dark on a country road? She made a decision totally out of character, and it got her killed… that’s on us.”
I part my lips, but remain silent because there isn’t a response to that. What can I say? His words simply reignite the fire of guilt in my soul. Knowing that he feels the same guilt makes it ten times worse. I’m drowning in the pain. He’s lashing out because of his own, and I feel like my whole life is falling apart, bit by bit.
“But you and I…We can’t give up. We love… we need to…” I whimper.
“Have you lost your fucking mind, Jill? I don’t know how I will even make it through the day. I can’t be thinking about selfish shit like that. I can’t think about anything. I’m lost …”
What is he saying? I don’t understand. If he can’t think about anything, if I am selfish for even talking about us, does that mean…? Oh my God, does that mean, he’s not saying? Is he breaking up with me??
My knees give out, the loss of Sadie hitting me twice as hard. Losing Garrett on top of that? I can’t do that too.. I haven’t ever had a mother, she died when I was just a baby, but because I had my dad and a circle of friends, I was always okay. I never felt that loss because I didn’t know her. But losing two out of the three most important people in my life in a week? I don’t know if I’ll survive that.
“Just leave me alone,” Garrett snarls. “I don’t have anything to say to you anymore, Jill.”
With that, he storms off, leaving me on my knees, heart shattered in a million piece. When he wept like this, I hugged him, I tried to get over my feelings to be there for him, but he is walking away from me. He doesn’t enough to try and work through this together? Everything I was feeling just got heavier, and I’m not sure I can carry this load.
I had a future planned with Sadie by my side. We could have gone through college together and been friends for life, maybe even family if I would have married Garrett. She didn’t need to find out like that, we didn’t need to fight before she was killed. If I would have just told her when it all started... I could have also had a future with Garrett, but I guess I don’t deserve that now. I can’t believe he’s walking away, not even looking back. He obviously thinks we belong in this hell, deserve to rot separately in our purgatory of pain.
What now? What will happen with my life now? I can’t go to college without my roommate, it will just be a constant reminder of everything that I lost. I don’t have the heart for it and I’m sure that a summer of mourning won’t change my mind.
God, this summer was supposed to be the most epic of our lives, first was graduation, then moving for college, then – the sky was the limit. If one of us shouldn’t have survived long enough to go through all of that, it’s me. I would do anything to trade places with Sadie.
“Come on.” My father, and now my savior, is behind me in an instant. He lifts me to my feet and starts walking with me, he’s the only thing holding me up right now. He must have seen what just happened with Garrett, but thank God, he doesn’t ask me a thing about it. I’m sure that he must be curious because he knows nothing about our “real” relationship, but he leaves me to my thoughts. I guess he’s waiting to see if I want to talk about it on my own, which I won’t want to, ever. “Let’s go home.”