Home. I need home. I need to get out of here. I understand why Garrett ran. Time to go home.
***
Even after I get there, it does nothing to make my mood any better. Sure, it’s better to be away from everyone, I don’t think I would have been able to handle the service at Sadie’s house after what just happened with Garrett, but maybe worse, it leaves me alone with my thoughts. Right now, I don’t want to think about anything. Not about college, not about summer, and especially not about Sadie or Garrett.
It’s horrible here, I don’t want to be in my hometown anymore. I need to get out of here, I have to make a plan to get away. I can’t live where I have all these memories anymore, I can’t stay without Sadie, and I don’t want to ever see that look in Garrett’s eyes again because despite everything, I still love him. I can’t help myself.
But my original plan can’t happen, and I can’t wait until the end of summer to do something either. I have to do it right now. There is a whole world out there, so there must be some big place or a small corner that I fit in. It is sure as shit I’m not staying here any longer. My dad will miss me, I’m sure of it, I don’t like the idea of leaving him alone. But at the same time, he must have been gearing himself up for me to leave for college anyway, so what if I move that up a few months.
He got to understand, I have to go for me, for my own sanity for fucks sake.
I guess I just learned that life is short, and it can be ripped away at any given moment, so I shouldn’t stay in a place that makes me miserable. I can’t stay here sinking into a deep black hole of depression.
I need to get the hell out of here.
Chapter 10 – Garrett
The Next Day - 2015
What an asshole. I fucking hate myself. Last night was the shit show, and I was at the center of it. I am embarrassed by how I behaved and how I upset everyone. Absolutely everyone.
First, there was my weirdness in the church. That had Mom on edge the entire time which wasn’t fair because she had enough going on. I was supposed to be her strength and instead I acted like a spoiled child who couldn’t wait to run away from the funeral just because I don’t want anyone to see that I am an emotional wreck.
I also upset my Mom at home. I managed to upset nearly everyone that came over. I had too much to drink and yelled at at anyone and everyone daring to smile and tell stories or even grieve over my sister. I acted like I was the only one who is allowed to miss Sadie and feel anything about her death. I even screamed at Warren for crying and she was his girlfriend. Why can’t I let her boyfriend feel something? FUCK.
I’m humiliated. And even more embarrassed that my mom had to force me to bed before I humiliated her or myself even more. I nearly fought her as she made me lie down, but I guess at some point I caved and passed out.
I owe her one hell of an apology. I know that she will forgive me because she can understand why I was a dick. She shouldn’t, but she will. Plus, I’m her only family left since Dad left us six years ago for his secretary. She needs me just as much as I need her… but I don’t know if I will ever forgive myself. I basically just proved that despite being the ‘man of the house’ she can’t rely on me in times of crisis. I apparently fall apart at the first chance I get to prove my worth and I don’t know how to act like an adult. Never mind sympathy and empathy. Apparently, I have the emotional IQ of a toddler. Fucking worthless.
And worse than that, I was a complete douche bag to Jill. I took all of my sadness, guilt, and anger out on her as if she isn’t feeling enough of her own. She knows that we both are to blame, I know she feels guilty and distraught enough, she certainly doesn’t need me adding to that. Jill misses Sadie, I know it, the girls have been best friends forever, so this must be killing her. And the fact that their last ever conversation was an argument when they never fought… well, that has to be devastating and I am an asshole. I hate myself for what I said and how I acted.
I blame myself more than Jill anyway. I am Sadie’s brother, I’m also older, I should have known better.