“Thank you,” I say sadly to Paul, the foundation of the world crumbling beneath me. I don’t know what to do or where to go now, I really am alone. I lost everything. “Sorry to visit you like this. I just… I didn’t know, and I wanted to say sorry.”
“I will pass on the message when I get an email from Jill. I will tell her to reach out…”
I nod, but I already know that won’t happen. Jill left to get away from me because I broke her heart when I really didn’t mean what I said, I wasn’t thinking straight. She wouldn’t have run off so fast if it wasn’t for me. So, of course she isn’t going to want to hear from me or reach out, ever. If I could explain myself face to face, I could make her understand. I don’t know if I will ever see her again.
Fuck, this must be what a broken heart feels like, it’s a different kind than I feel about Sadie. This is losing the love of my life. The woman I wanted to marry someday. I single handedly ruined every good relationship with the women in my life that I love. And to think, not that long ago we were all in the car headed to that graduation party together, no idea that our life was going to change forever.
Now, Sadie is dead, Jill is gone, and the relationship with my mom will never be the same. Even if I ever saw Jill again, I don’t think we could ever get back to who we were.
I’m alone. This is the first time that I have ever felt this alone in my life. It digs deep into my stomach and crushes my heart. I don’t know where I go from here. I have always had an idea for what my future will look like but now it’s a big black gaping hole of nothingness I don’t know if I want to fill. Without Sadie or Jill, it is meaningless. The only thing I do know is that I have to be there for my Mom. After my sorry this morning, she told me that she needs me to be better. I don’t blame her.
Chapter 11 – Jill
Home Again - 2019
I don’t know if I can do this. I don’t have any choice. It doesn’t matter that four years have passed, it feels like yesterday that I was here. The same nerves zig zag back through me at the speed of light. I thought I had escaped them, but clearly, I didn’t. It doesn’t matter where I have been, this has always been looming, waiting for me to come back and deal with my deamons.
Fuck. My brain aches as the plane lands. I don’t have anywhere to run now and it scares me. I’ve done nothing but run since the day of Sadie’s funeral where I lost my best friend and the love of my life in one go. I’ve been all around the world, visited places that I never thought I would go, and I still haven’t left the past behind.
It wasn’t the type of learning or college that I thought I was going to have, it was a different kind of education. I now know about different cultures, various languages, and have been places most people don’t even know exist. I have worked part time all over the world in all kinds of places, and it changed me. I have also seen various therapists along the way to help me with the guilt, but now that I am back here, it feels like I never left, and my problems were here waiting for me this whole time. I don’t know if I have ever been able to leave any of it behind.
The announcement has been made. The seat belt sign has been turned off. We are officially here. Oh God, my stomach drops, I can’t breathe, any minute now I am going to have to face everything I left behind. I don’t know who is still in my hometown anymore, I haven’t looked back once or asked anything when speaking to my father, but now I guess I am about to find out, ready or not.
But it isn’t just the lack of money and my visas running out that has me back home. It’s my father. Of course he’s wanted me back the entire four years that we have been apart, but now he’s sick. He needs me. That’s what I need to remember.
I don’t think I can just ignore the worst time of my life. Especially not when I can already feel it coursing through my veins, the ice-cold fear is back with a vengeance.
I get off the plane, following the rest of the passengers but not joining in with their excitement to be in town. I follow them to the baggage claim area and grab my suitcase with the few belongings that I took with me when I packed in a hurry and the few things that I have picked up along the way. Thankfully, it takes a long time for the bags to come around, which gives me a little bit of time to get my head together….