***
“I don’t want you to leave,” I tell Jill sadly as we kiss at my front door. “I have had the best morning ever.” I pull her to me once more, loving the feel of her body pressed up against mine. “Do you have to go?”
“I’m sorry, I do,” she says, but I can hear regret in her tone. “I need to see if my dad needs me.”
“Yeah. I suppose that’s fair. I mean, I don’t want to let you go, but that is a good reason.”
“It will be good for us to have an afternoon of space,” she tells me seriously with her hand pressed up against my chest, almost as if she’s trying to feel my heart beating for her. “If we’re going to do this, we need to take it slow and make sure that we are ready.”
She’s right, I know she is, but I just don’t want to let her go. Selfishly, I want to keep her in my arms.
“I know.” I stroke her hair gently. “I get that. I will just miss you.”
“I’m going to be back so we can have dinner again. Your cooking is just too too good to miss.”
We both laugh but I am finally forced to let her go. She walks away, towards home, refusing to let me go with her, and I watch her until she is fully out of sight. I can’t bear to take my eyes off of her, I’m worried I will lose her again.
No, she isn’t going to run. This is different this time around. Neither of us are going anywhere. We are adults now, if there are issues, we have to talk it out.
“Ah, Sadie.” I slide back on to my couch and let my eyes fall closed. I need to talk to my sister right now, whether she can hear me or not, and I don’t want to go to her grave to do it. If she really is out there somewhere, listening in to me, then she will be able to hear me wherever I am, right? “I know you weren’t happy to learn about me and Jill, but why? Because you thought that we would be bad for one another? Because we lied to you? Did you think you would lose us? You never would, Sadie. If anything, it would have brought us so much closer.”
It isn’t something I have questioned a lot over the years, what could I have done different, all the shoulda, coulda, woulda’s….But never gave much thought to what Sadie would think about Jill and I if she got the chance too cool off that night. Because she didn’t. And she left with such hate and vitriol in her words, I didn’t even think twice about our relationship. Mom has been telling me that Sadie would want me to be happy and my therapist has always said that my sister doesn’t sound like the sort of person who would want to hold me back, but I needed to get here myself.
“I really did love Jill, you know?” I smile to myself. “I wouldn’t have upset you if it wasn’t true love. And she loved me too. I really thought that we would be together forever. So, of course we were going to tell you eventually, we were just scared to change things. We didn’t want to ruin the relationship we both had with you.”
Images of Sadie’s dead mangled body flood my mind, but I force them out. I don’t want to remember her that way and she wouldn’t want that either. She would rather be remembered for the fun loving, carefree girl that she always was. Laughing, smiling, joking, life of the party… she really did enjoy everything to the fullest.
“Again, we find ourselves drawn together, only this time I want to tell you.” I sigh heavily, the reality of this weighing heavily. “This isn’t how I want to tell you. I would rather experience another one of your explosive tantrums, but unfortunately, it’s this or nothing.”
I don’t know what this emotion is while I’m talking, but it isn’t quite sadness. It’s almost like a sense of mourning and acceptance of being able to move on. It makes me want to push forward with Jill because she made me confront my past but want to aim for a future as well. I never thought that anyone would be able to get me here…
“Sadie, I want to be with Jill. If she will let me, I want to love her forever. Even after all this time, and everything that’s happened, I don’t think I ever really stopped loving her. So, with your blessing, I want to be the man that she needs. I want to make her happy.”
Whether I imagine it or not, the heat that spreads across my chest is all the confirmation that I need. I am going to make Jill my forever. “Thank you Sadie.”