Chapter 21 – Jill
I feel like my head is spinning, I might as well be skipping down the road because I’m so happy. Sleeping with Garrett isn’t something that I expected to happen, but I’m over the moon about it. It almost feels like we picked up where we left off.
When I’m with Garrett, it feels perfect, and I want to live in that bubble forever. I know that we’re having the day apart to work out our feelings, but I already know how I feel. I know what I want. If Garrett and I can find a way to make it work, I will give him my everything.
I love him and I never stopped loving him. It’s great to finally admit that to myself.
“Dad.” I unlock the door to the house and push it open, hoping that he’s not going to be mad about me staying out all night long. I’m an adult and can do whatever I want, but I don’t want him to upset him. “I’m home.”
“Jill?” I can hear him, but his voice is faint and coming from up the stairs. I take them two at a time in a hurry to get to him. I find him perched on the edge of the bed looking pale. Really pale. “I just got dizzy.”
This doesn’t look like the man that I left last night. He was looking better than this when I walked out last night, and now he looks awful.
“Oh my God.” I try and sit and wrap my arm around him, but I can tell it hurts. I pull back, heart pounding. “Do I need to call an ambulance?”
“No, I think I will be okay…” my dad argues weakly.
But I turn my back. I’m not listening to him because I can tell that he needs medical attention. I haven’t ever seen him look so sick and I’m not going to risk it. Whether he wants it or not I won’t leave him like this. I try to explain what is going on to the operator, but I don’t know what to say other than my dad doesn’t look good, but soon someone says that the ambulance is coming.
“Dad, help is on the way,” I reassure him. “Don’t worry. We will get you to the hospital and everything will be okay, don’t worry. We will figure this out”
I don’t know who I’m trying to reassure. Myself or my Dad, but it’s not working.
***
I thought that I would feel better being at the hospital, with medical professionals surrounding my father and doing what they can to help him, but I don’t. I still feel like I might throw up. I pace up and down the hospital hallway, waiting for someone to come and tell me what the hell is going on.
The anxiety is killing me, and I probably look so erratic to the people in the waiting room, they wonder if I need to be admitted to a different kind of hospital. Assholes. I don’t care, I am too worried about my dad to think about what I look like to these people. I’m also in my head about Garrett. Every single time that I have sex with Garrett, something bad happens. It’s crazy. It actually feels like destiny hates us. First Sadie, now my father… I can’t stand this.
I shouldn’t be worried about the “if only” ideas right now, but I am. “If only” I stayed in last night, “if only” I didn’t leave my father in the first place four years ago, “if only” I was there and I called the ambulance earlier, everything could be different. It doesn’t matter that the paramedic told me there was nothing that I could have done. I’m still going to feel guilty about the whole thing.
“Fuck.” I lean forwards and grab on to my stomach once more. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.”
Am I crying? I think that I might be crying, I’m not sure. My face is soaking wet but that could just be sweat. No, I think this might be me crying. I have been broken before, shattered in a million pieces, and now I’m back. Broken.
What’s going on? I feel like I am spiraling out of control. Why do bad things happen to everyone I love?
Time passes. I have no idea how much, but time ticks by. I can practically hear the clock with every passing second, torturing me, reminding me that I still don’t know what’s going on with my dad…I should go ask, but I don’t want to take anyone away who could be potentially helping him.
“Jill Michaels?” Someone is calling my name. I glance around to find the source.
“M… me,” I stammer back. “That’s me. What’s going on? What’s happening? Where is my dad?”
I’m glad to hear my name. It means that I am going to get to see my father at last. I really hope that he isn’t all hooked up to machines.