“Come with me.” The person talking to me takes me in to a small room. This isn’t a hospital room, it isn’t where my dad is going to be attached to machines. That has to be a good thing, right… right?
I stare desperately at the person who brought me in here, waiting for good news.
Only the words don’t come. No words that I want to hear come. Instead of being pulled back to reality, I’m thrown into hell.
“No.” I shake my head hard. I refuse to accept what I’m being told. “No, that can’t be right.”
“I’m so sorry…” The word sorry is what crushes me.
I fall to the floor, an howl tearing from my chest as my knees collapse from underneath me. He was okay, my dad was doing so much better, this can’t be happening. I squeeze my eyes closed, begging myself to wake up. I hit the sides of my face, trying to snap myself out of this, but nothing works. Nothing.
“No,” I howl once more. “No, no, not him. This can’t happen to me again”
A single person shouldn’t have to go through so much tragedy. No human on this planet should have to face all of this. I don’t have the strength. I’m emotionally drained. Someone might be coming to speak to me in a moment, some kind of grief counselor probably, but I don’t want that. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I’ve been through it before, I’ve felt all of this, and it kills me to have it happening again. But I don’t want to talk, I can’t talk. I just want to run. I always want to run…
*Ring, ring… Ring, ring… Ring, ring*
My cell phone. It’s so strange to hear such a normal sound in this room where everything is falling apart. I don’t want to answer it, I don’t have anything that I want to say to anyone, but I don’t want that sound to keep going either. So, I move across the room and I don’t find my cell phone right away, because I am shaking.
“He… hello?” I somehow stammer into the receiver, not even sure who I’m talking to. “Hello?”
“Jill?” It’s Garrett. “What’s going on? I was calling to see where you are, but… has something happened?”
“My… my dad,” I manage to get out. “My dad is dead, Garrett. He’s died.”
Saying it aloud makes it so much more real. Too real. I break down and end up curled in a ball in the middle of the floor. I’m definitely broken now.
“Garrett, I’m at the hospital. I’m here and… and I don’t know what to do. He’s dead.”
“I’m coming,” he promises. “I will be there in a moment. Don’t go anywhere. I will be there.”
The last time I experienced this kind of grief, Garrett was there and we were torn apart. Emotionally and physically. My dad pulling me in one direction, his mom in the other.
This time there isn’t anyone to tear us apart, Garrett will be the one supporting me, but I don’t know how I feel about that. Once again, my whole world is being turned upside down, and I can’t help feeling responsible. I fucked up yet again, and I guess I will keep fucking up forever, all because I can’t stay away from Garrett freaking Willis.
“Dad died, because of me,” I cry out into the phone, not sure if Garrett is still on the other end still. “Dad died because we were together. He died because I wasn’t there to look after him. I’m never there.”
And that’s the problem, isn’t it? The fact that I am never there to help the people I love in their worst moments. I am always with Garrett.
“I give up,” I tell Garrett as the cell phone slowly slips out of my fingers. “I give up, Garrett, I’m sorry. I just can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep fighting. I give up.”
Chapter 22 – Garrett
Holy shit. I can’t believe it. I can’t believe that this is happening again. Jill and I can’t seem to spend a night without a death immediately following. After everything that we went through that night four years ago is back again. Only this time I can’t break down, there will be no lashing out because this isn’t about me.
I grab my car keys and rush outside, then speed to the hospital as quickly as possible. I’m probably breaking every law as I go, but I can’t worry about any of that shit.
“Oh God.” Is this a nightmare? Am I in hell? I was only calling because I was starting to worry that Jill had changed her mind and she wasn’t coming… I wasn’t expecting this. “Oh fucking God.”
I don’t know how to be a support for someone else, I can barely manage my own feelings. Hell, I just started working through trauma from years ago, I’m not ready for this. My mom would probably be a better option… but I’m going to try. I’m going to be there as much as I can because Jill needs me.