She scratches at her neck. “I’m not hungry. Just say what you have to say, please.” She folds her arms over her chest.
I pour us both some wine from the bottle I’d opened before I left. I carry both glasses to the coffee table. She sits, hands folded in her lap.
I hold out her glass and she shakily takes it but doesn’t sip it, she sets it on a coaster on the table and waits, eyes pointed in my direction, but at my shoulder instead of my face. She claws at her neck again.
Fuck. She’s sinking into one of those panic episodes.
I moisten my lips, about to launch into my speech when she speaks first.
“I think I am done. I… we should probably get a divorce,” she says.
“Absofuckinglutely not!” I roar.
Her body jolts. Shock? Fear? I don’t know, but instead of figuring that out, I’m immediately on my knees in front of her, wrapping my arms around her middle, burying my face in her chest.
“Fuck baby, don’t ever say those words again. Never.” I hold her tighter.
I can feel her trembling, and it’s fuckin’ shredding me.
“Don’t be scared of me, please. Don’t. We need to fix this. Tell me how.”
“You broke me.”
Her words are a red, glowing knife sinking into my chest.
She continues, “First Ray did and then you put me back together. But when you take something that’s already broken and it’s barely holding together with glue and then you smash it – it gets destroyed.”
I look up into her eyes. Her sad, beautiful eyes.
“You’re not destroyed. Look how strong you are. You’re strong enough to have convinced me I’ve been a fuckin’ selfish asshole. Give me a chance to fix it. I swear I’ll never let you down again.” I cup her jaw.
She shrugs me off and covers her face with both hands.
I move from the floor to sit beside her, pulling her to me.
She doesn’t resist. Instead, she goes limp and cries in my arms.
Fuck.
And then her arms wrap around me, and she clings to me like she needs me, like she wants comfort from me, but it lasts only an instant before she tries to shove again – as if remembering she shouldn’t. And this right here sets off emotions in me that feel about to bubble over, so I grip her tighter, wanting to give her the comfort she’s craving. She grunts in protest.
“I haven’t been back there,” I whisper into her hair. “He’s still there, he’s getting medical attention, and regular food. There’s been no more punishments and I haven’t gone there since you left me. I want you to know that.”
She stops struggling and goes lax in my arms again.
I stroke her hair. “I’m sorry. Lying to you was wrong, but I tried to protect you. It meant I fucked up and hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you. Never fucking ever. I was blinded by my need for revenge. I know that now. I couldn’t… couldn’t let it go.” I shake my head and grind my teeth. “When I found out he’d fucked me over with that coin toss, it sent me into a rage. An absolute fury. I couldn’t let it go; had to make him pay.” I swallow and take a big breath. “I’m sorry my lying about things made you question how I feel about you. Believe me, what I feel for you is real. I only wanted you happy, safe, mine. I wanted you to be happy and to spoil you and erase every fucked-up thing he did to you. Because…”
She’s shaking in my arms, sniffling. It fucking kills.
“Baby,” I breathe, “it felt like my fault for getting cheated by that scumbag. I let that happen and you wound up getting taken in by him, hurt by him. So I had to do something because I love you that fucking much. And it’s not just about you. I know it’s also about some shit I’ve had buried. My mother getting murdered by a bastard that abused her. I walk in to find her dead with her brains on her face, and knowin’ how Raymond treated you – I think you get where I’m goin’ with that.”
She looks up at me with tears in her eyes.
I grab her hand and put it to my mouth, kissing each of her knuckles. “So I tried to compartmentalize it. I justified it. And I see now how much it hurt you. I want you. I need you, Violet. You and me – I didn’t marry you to get back at him. I married you so I can spend my life with you. So I can give you everything. And so I can have you for myself, the way it was supposed to be. Fake coin or not, I know it was supposed to be you ‘n me. How do I fix this? I’ll break my back to fix this, baby. Swear to you.”