“Goddamnit,” he curses under his breath, leaning down. He reaches me a tissue from the nearby table. “I’m sorry. I’ve never been good at this, the telling people their loved one is dying. Losing a patient is hard for me believe it or not.”
“Part of the job, right?” I scoff wiping my chin.
He frowns and extends his hand to help me up. I take his offered kindness and I am the first to see Joey. Gertie is on the phone calling in family. And Natalie insists that I go in first. She is clinging to the same hope as me, that he will fight for me...for us.
The curtains are drawn, shielding anyone passing by ICU from seeing throu
gh the windows of his room. The different machines keeping him with me hum and beep, as his chest rises and falls.
“I’ll just go clean my shoes,” Dr. Redding, excuses himself.
I approach Joey slowly. Afraid the slightest movement may bring him harm. His head and face are wrapped in gauze. I can only see his lips, nostrils, and bruised eyelids.
“Oh God,” I whisper, palm against my mouth. My tears fall like a steady rain as I stand by his bedside. There are so many tubes and wires. His arm is swollen. It’s so much larger than I remember. The color of his bruised hand is all wrong. This isn’t the man who was making love to me this morning. What was only a few hours ago now seeming like ten lifetimes ago.
Sensing someone behind me, I turn to see a nurse. “You can touch him, but he probably can’t feel it. He’s been given a lot of medication. But they say talking helps.” She smiles weakly, coming over and checking the readings on the monitors. She’s young, pretty even. I’m glad a pretty warm face is taking care of him. If he were awake, I’d be teasing him right now that he only got in here to fulfill his hot nurse fantasy.
“Hey, can you hear me,” I speak softly to him as if my words could injure him further. “It isn’t supposed to be this way,” I whisper talking to myself more than anyone. “It’s not fucking fair, Joey. You are the best man I have ever known, and I need you. You can’t leave me, you can’t give up on me, damn it.” I cry quietly, wiping my tears on the hem of my shirt.
I brush my thumb over his knuckles afraid to touch him but wishing like hell I could crawl in the bed with him and lay my head against his chest. I wish he’d wrap his arms around me and tell me this is all a dream, that he is still here, and he loves me most as I listen to the beat of his heart.
But staring at him, I can’t feel him. I can’t explain it really, but he isn’t here in this room...in this body.
Joey’s gone and he’s not coming back.
He will never propose.
I’ll never have his baby.
It’s not fair.
I slump over his body as I wail.
Later on, when I am all cried out, a hand touches my back, and for one fleeting moment I could swear it’s Joey. But in my heart of hearts I know it isn’t.
Lewis. He hugs me briefly.
“Nat and Gertie want to see him. Big Joe will be here soon. Let’s go to the chapel.”
I nod, but I know my prayers won’t be heard. There is no point in praying for a miracle that won’t come to fruition.
I can’t bear to meet my best friend’s eyes as I pass by her in the hall. I want to lunge at her and hit her so fucking hard, but I don’t. But God do I just want to hit something...someone. I want someone to pay.
Chapter 3
Audrey
The funeral was a blur. I hardly remember the service. I barely remember the past month. Joey, my lover and my friend is gone. I can’t recall the last time I left our apartment. I live off of takeout I order in and have delivered plus the leftovers Natalie leaves by the door. I know what happened wasn’t her fault, but I can’t stand the sight of her. Nat is supposed to be my best friend. Hearing that my boyfriend, her brother wanted to propose marriage should have made her happy for me, for both of us.
Why didn’t she keep her ill thoughts to herself? Why did she need to voice them to Joey right before the most important moment of his career? Hugging his shirt to my nose, I inhale deeply. His smell is fading away. I throw it to the side and try a different one. Tears burn at he creases of my eyes, but I bite them back. Joey is fading away.
How do I go on with my life without him? Where do I go from here? Joey was the center of my world and without him I have nothing.
No hope.
No love.
No future.