“Killian isn’t James. They aren’t the same, and I’m nothing like you.”
Her mouth curves down into a frown. “But aren’t they? You don’t know if or when he’ll wake up. What he’ll even be like. You saw your father. You don’t want that for either of you, and you know it. Think about it, Liri. Come home for a few hours to eat, sleep, and bathe. I’ll drive you back myself the moment you want to return.”
I swallow hard as bile tries to burn its way up my throat. “Just go.” I observe Killian and fight like hell not to see my father in him. She’s wrong. It’s not the same.
Killian isn’t James.
“Please think about it. I’m not saying this to hurt you or upset you. Talk to me.”
“I’m sure you’re happy. You hated that we were together. You were jealous that we found the happiness you never did with James. Dad told me that you were separating.” I scowl at her. “I. Don’t. Want. You. Here.”
“No but you’ll sure let me and Theo pay for Killian’s care.”
“I never asked you to. So, if you don’t want to do it then don’t.”
“I don’t want to fight with you. I only want you to be realistic about your expectations. The Killian who wakes up may not be the Killian he was before. I only want you to be prepared for the worst. I was blindsided when your father woke up. I had these silly notions in my head that he’d wake up and apologize for all the bad and that we’d finally be a family and give you the life I was dreaming of. But that didn’t happen, and I was forced to face his grim reality.”
Visions of my birth father dance in my head. The way he pulled at his hair and screamed at us when I went to visit him. The way I felt. The guilt I feel for not being able to go back to see him. It all builds and builds until I want to scream. My stomach lurches, and I run for the bathroom. I barely make it down the hall in time to dry heave. Cold sweat drips down my back. I’ve never felt more alone than I do now.
I flush the toilet and wash my hands. Ripping a paper towel from the dispenser, I wet it and run it over the back of my neck. My reflection in the mirror is frightful. I’m pale with dark circles under my eyes, and my hair hasn’t been washed in days. My mother may not be my favorite person right now, but she was right—I’m not taking good care of myself. The only time I leave Killian’s hospital room is when his family comes to visit. His father isn’t taking any of this very well. The hospital isn’t great for his immune system either after his cancer scare. Dillan is a mess and Noelle is worried about him. He’s been drinking a lot. Diane is beside herself. We all just want our Killian back.
I need him to come back to me.
When I leave the bathroom, my mother is talking to one of the nurses. I pause and listen in on them though I shouldn’t.
“What are we really facing when he wakes up? I—my daughter needs to be prepared for what’s to come. I don’t want to give her false hope.”
“He’s being weaned off the medications. It’s not a matter of if, it’s when. It’s really up to Killian to wake up at this point, but the swelling is gone. His scans are great. I think he’ll be fine, and your daughter won’t have anything to be scared of.”
I let out a breath and tears fill my eyes, but this time they are happy ones. I walk past them and go back into the room more determined than ever to bring him back. Starting the music again, I grab the lotion from the bag Noelle brought me and pull his socks off.
I massage his calves and his feet, rubbing the lotion in thick, hoping the stimulation will wake him up.
“Sweetheart,” my mother calls from the doorway. “At least go down to the cafeteria with me and get something to drink.”
Exhaling loudly, I reluctantly agree.
In the cafeteria I get a water and sandwich. It tastes like cardboard, but I eat it anyway because my body seems to be responding to the nourishment. I’ve been living off junk from the vending machines this past week. I know it is unhealthy, but it is what it is.
“Who is he?”
“What are you talking about? He who?”
“The man you’re leaving Dad for.”
“Your father and I have grown apart. It has nothing to do with another man or woman though if you must know he’s had someone else for some time now.”
I shake my head. “I don’t get it. You gave me this big speech about when you find your one, but it was all crap.”
“It’s complicated. I love Theo very much. He’s my best friend, but those romantic feelings…they aren’t there. You can’t force love, and we’re just different people. Why don’t you come home for a few days? I’m sure we can work something out with your professors.”
“You think I care about that right now? Seriously. My boyfriend is upstairs in a hospital bed and you want to talk about my classes. You should go. Thanks for the sandwich.” Scooting my chair back, I push off from the table.
“Liri, I don’t want to fight with you. I was only trying to take your mind off things. I didn’t mean it to be insensitive. I know that the only thing on your mind
is Killian waking up, and I pray he does. I want you to be happy. You need someone to pour all your anger into and it happens to be me right now. It’s okay because I can take it, but you should be directing your anger at him. He got behind the wheel when he had been drinking. He stole that boy’s car. He did this to himself.”
“Stop it. Do you know why he was in that car? No, you don’t. It was my fault. Mine!” I stab my chest with my finger. “Just forget it. You want him to be the bad guy just like you wanted James to be.”