Brian: All I have ever done is love you and only you, please, I need to know. Why did you walk away?
Brian: I needed you, more than I have ever needed anyone, and you walked away.
Me: Brian,
I am so sorry for hurting you. I hope one day you will be able to forgive me. I wouldn’t say I am the only person you have ever loved, you did get married.
Brian: Are we really going to go there already, and besides, you see how well th
at worked out for me. I lost everything in the divorce. Guess it serves me right for not having her sign a prenuptial agreement. Anyways, I have already booked a flight and scheduled a rental car. You can text the directions to the funeral home after I land. I can’t wait to see you either. We have a lot of catching up to do. You owe me a lot answers…
I am so nervous. There are so many emotions flowing through my veins right now I’m not sure what I am feeling. I am so consumed with guilt and grief. The only thing keeping me going is my handsome little man, my Jace. I know Faye would be so happy to know that he is finally going to meet his father. I just hope Brian doesn’t freak out on me. It’s been so many years since I have seen him. People can change, can’t they? God, I hope so.
I have to take Faye’s pant suit to the funeral home. I feel like there is something I am forgetting to do, but I can’t place my finger on what exactly. I thought that Tyler might call or stop by when he heard about my mother, but I guess he is done with me. I know we weren’t exactly official, but what he did stings me to my core, but right now, I need to focus on doing right by Jace.
**
The day is here that I have to say goodbye to my mom. I don’t know how I am supposed to say goodbye when I feel like I just got her back. We didn’t always have the greatest relationship. But once I moved here and Jace was born, she became the mother I always wanted but never knew I needed. I take Jace over to Caroline’s. She hugs me and tells me she is so sorry about Faye. She gives me a kiss on the cheek and wishes me luck with Brian. Leave it to me to make this day as fucked up as possible. But Brian is only able to be here for tonight. He has to fly straight back to Cincinnati on the red eye at midnight. I didn’t think it would be a good idea just to spring Jace’s existence on him at the funeral.
I dress in a simple black dress and heels. Sweeping my long, dark locks into a tight bun, I look very Breakfast at Tiffany’s in my pearls. I pull my cell phone from my clutch and text Brian directions to the funeral home. There aren’t many people here. Faye didn’t have any family here besides me and little man, and both of her parents have long passed.
Some of her former co-workers have come to pay their respects. Bender and a few members of his club finally show their faces. I don’t know how he can even bother now that she is gone. I march over to Bender ready to give him a piece of my mind. He thinks he’s so tough wearing his leathers. His weathered face holds a snarl. With his arms crossed he greets me. “Aria, I’m sorry about your mom. If there is anything I can do, just let me know. The club is here for you.”
“Wow really, like you’ve been there while your wife was dying.” I spit at him.
“I only did what she wanted. We had our time. When she started getting worse, she made me promise to stay away. Your mom didn’t want me seeing her that way. She wanted to save every last minute for you and Jace. She was a damn fine woman to me, and I owed her that much. I’ve had time to make peace with her death, but you don’t get to say I wasn’t there for her and that I didn’t care. You don’t know shit about our relationship.”
I swallow my pride and apologize. As mad as I want to be at Bender, I can’t take my anger out on him.
“I’m sorry Bender, she never told me. I don’t know what to say.”
“Nothing to say sweetheart, you’re grieving and want somebody to be angry with. It ain’t me though. My offer still stands. You need anything, you call me.”
I nod and look around the room.
There isn’t any sign of Brian, maybe he changed his mind.
I have taken my seat in the front and just as the preacher is about to begin his short sermon, Brian takes up the seat next to me in the pew. He takes my hand in his and gives it a gentle squeeze. Something about my hand being placed in the cradle of his feels so safe and familiar, I feel an inner peace take over me. His gentle touch soothes me.
I take a moment to study his features. He hasn’t changed much. His hair is still the same sandy brown waves, except they are shorter than I last remember. His green eyes still sparkle, but I notice a few lines that weren’t there before around the corners. His nose is still angular and when he gives me a reassuring smile it is lopsided just like Jace’s.
The preacher begins talking, and I focus my attention on his every word.
“Family, friends, we are gathered here today to celebrate the life of a remarkable woman. Faye Walker was a loving mother and friend. She was born in 1965 in the town of Huntington, West Virginia on a warm summer’s day. She touched all who knew her with her warm friendly smile. She never met a stranger and always had a helping hand for those in need. So, I ask you today friends, to lift her family in your prayers as they lay her to rest.”
The funeral concludes with everyone filing out row by row and paying their last respects at her coffin. Brian clings to my side offering me his support as my knees give out when I look upon my mother’s face one final time.
I am drowning in my emotions and feel like I will never swim my way back to the top. She looks so peaceful lying here. Her brown hair lies across her shoulders. Her lips are tinted with nude gloss. She is wearing her favorite black pant suit. Around her neck is the heart locket I gave her with Jace’s picture after I decided to keep him. She looks like she is taking the best nap of her life and it makes me feel better that she looks so at peace. It makes me feel like it is a sign that she approves of Brian being here and what I am about to tell him.
Brian drives me to the cemetery so I can see her placed in her final resting place, she didn’t want a graveside service. I’m not in any shape to drive myself. I am crying so hard I can barely walk straight. I know I need to tell Brian the truth, the real reason why I asked him to be here. Leave it to him to get a flashy sports car. He is driving a red Porsche. “Nice ride,” I manage to tell him between my tears
“Thanks, I am thinking I may need to buy it.” He flashes his famous lopsided grin at me.
Bender followed us to the cemetery and invited me to the life celebration they are having in my mom’s honor at his clubhouse but I decline. I need to deal with my past— Brian.
Chapter Eleven
Watching the dirt be shoveled onto my mother’s coffin chills me to the bone. I have never had someone I love so much die before. I start to sweat, being here right now and seeing how precious and short life really is makes me see now more than ever that I need to tell Brian the truth. I say one more goodbye to Faye. I blow her a kiss and tell her I am about to make things right. I join Brian in his rental car.