Holding His Forever

“You’re first ranking lieutenant, so I can’t tell you what to do. You’ve already talked to the captain and everyone else you’re supposed to.” He sighs, and a look of concern crosses his face. “You’re not healing, Phoenix. We all lost men that day. Marcus and Vance were our brothers, and we should mourn them, but at some point life goes on.”

I just take a sip of the coffee that tastes more like tar, not acknowledging anything he just said. How can I? Marcus and Vance were two of my closest friends. We’d gone through school together, and we became firefighters at the same time. I was promoted to lieutenant of the station, and they were both so happy for me, even though we all came in at the same time. I’d had better marks on the physical tests, so I was given the position. Four months ago, we’d gotten a routine call in the middle of the night. There was a kitchen fire in a three-story walk-up, so we jumped to. When we got to the scene, everything seemed to go as normal. We made our way into the building, all by the book. We got up to the third floor and secured the area. We made sure everyone got out, but just as we were making our way back down, Marcus said he heard something. He was in the rear with Vance, and I heard him over my headset. I’d told him we had the headcount confirmed from the truck outside, but he insisted on going back. I turned in time to watch as he kicked in a door with Vance standing at his side. Suddenly, a small child ran out, and I pulled him into my arms just as the ceiling fell in.

When I woke up in the hospital the first thing, I asked was about my men and the little boy. I was on the landing below and had fallen in such a way that the boy was under me, so neither of us got the impact my two men did. I didn’t lose my life, but Marcus and Vance weren’t so lucky. I walked away with just a few bumps and bruises, and the little boy was safe, but we had to deliver the news to their families, tell them that they’d given their lives to save someone.

My dad was a firefighter, and I hero-worshiped him for as long as I could remember. I walked around in his turnout gear as soon as I could take my first step. He tried to tell me that this job would take a piece of me, but I never understood what he had meant. Not until I woke up in that hospital bed, knowing I’d led my men into that situation. Knowing that there was so much I could have done to stop them, but then maybe there wasn’t. They saved a life that day, but it cost them theirs, and it just wasn’t something I was coping with. At least that’s what the shrink tells me.

Before I can say anything back to Graham, the alarm sounds.

3

Phoenix

“You’re benching me?” I shout as Captain Thomas walks away from me.

I’ve got my feet in my boots and look around as all the guys around me move in a blur of red and yellow. I jump out of my turnout gear, knowing that I won’t be able to catch up with them now. If you can’t do it in under forty seconds, your ass is off the truck.

“Captain!” I shout over the sirens of the truck as the guys load up and take off.

He’s almost to his office when he turns to face me. He’s an older guy, bald on top with gray patches on either side. He’s still pretty damn fit though, and I’m willing to bet he could still hold his own on that truck. But he’s already put in his years of services and sits behind a desk now.

“What?” he says, looking into my eyes. He’s also one of the only guys as tall as me, at nearly six-three. “I said you’re off the truck.”

“Why?” I’m ten shades of pissed off, but deep down I know exactly why.

“You’ve skipped your last two meetings with the psychiatrist. You’ve been sleeping upstairs every night for four months, and to be honest, you look like total shit. You need some time off, Phoenix. I thought letting you work through it was going to get it done, but nothing has changed. I’m this close,” he takes a step towards me and holds his fingers a hair’s width apart right in front of my eyes, “to putting you on mandatory leave. Don’t give me a reason. Take the night off, go home, and get your shit together. You’ll meet with Doctor Birch in the morning, and if he gives you the all clear, then I might think about putting you back on my truck. But I swear to God, if he so much as hesitates when giving me the report, I’ll have your ass out of here for a month. You got me?”