Holding His Forever

“Yes, sir.”

It’s the only thing I can say. I have no ground to stand on. He’s right, and I know it, but I just haven’t been willing to accept it. I’ve let this all fall on my shoulders, and I haven’t been dealing with it since it happened.

Letting out a sigh, I watch as Captain Thomas goes into his office and slams the door. I know he’s not happy about having to do this to me. I’m his first lieutenant, and his next in command. He needs me with my head on, and I’m not doing all I should be for the remaining men here. What kind of example am I setting if this is how I go on living?

I go upstairs, grab my shit, and head home.

When I get to my apartment, I walk in and see it’s exactly how I left it four months ago. I can tell by the stack of mail and how clean it is that my dad’s been coming by and taking care of things for me. Feeling the guilt stir in the pit of my stomach, I call him.

“Hey, sunshine. You doing okay?”

“Yeah, Dad. Thanks for taking care of the place.”

“No problem. I put on clean sheets just yesterday. Figured you might be headed home soon.”

I can’t help but laugh darkly. He’s best friends with Captain Thomas, so I’m sure they’ve had a good bit to talk about when it comes to how I’m doing.

“Love you, Dad.”

“Love you too, my boy.”

I toss my phone on the counter and go to the shower, stripping down and letting the hot water scald me. I feel bone tired, but anxious at the same time. I want to sleep, but I don’t want the nightmares to take hold. After I’m finished, I go to my backpack and grab the bottle the shrink prescribed for me after the accident. He said I needed to go home, get some rest, and take these when I wasn’t on call. I hadn’t felt safe taking them in the firehouse, but this may be the only way I get some sleep tonight.

Popping one of them, I go to my bedroom and fall face first on the mattress.

I close my eyes, feeling the exhaustion taking me, but before I slip under I mumble, “I miss you, Mom.”

4

Phoenix

“I’m reluctantly putting you back on the truck. But I’ve got my eyes on you, Phoenix. Dr. Birch said you’re making progress and that he’s comfortable with putting you back on full time.”

My meeting with the shrink went okay. I don’t like to sit down and talk about my feelings, but I’ve only ever wanted to do one job, and that’s being a firefighter. I’ll do anything to get back to that, including talking to a stranger about my grief. I’m still not one-hundred-percent inside, but I’ve got to have this, because otherwise, I’m nothing.

“Thank you, sir,” I say, trying not to push him too far. I want to stay on Captain’s good side, and the best way to do that is to shut my mouth.

“I’m giving Graham the night off, so you’re up. You think you can handle that?”

I nod, and he waves a hand at me, telling me to get out of his office.

When I get upstairs I talk to a few of the guys and read over Graham’s report from the night before. I go over some new training steps with them, and we do a gear check. It takes the better part of the day and into the night to review it all. Then we get to work on pulling hoses and checking the trucks. There is always work to be done in a firehouse, and it’s exactly what I need. The distraction keeps my brain from going to dark places, and the routine makes me feel like I’m getting back to the old me.

“What about you, Phoenix?”

I look up at Gordon, one of the young guys. “Huh?”

“I said, you up for drinks on Friday? We’re going out after shift change to find some pussy. You in?”

I laugh and shake my head, going back to checking the rear engine.

“Come on, man. How long has it been since you got laid? You never talk about getting any.”

He and a few of the guys laugh, and I just keep working while I answer him.

“Two things, Gordon. First, a man doesn’t need to tell his friends that it happened to prove that it happened. And second, if a woman is willing to take her clothes off and let you fuck her, you’d do well to treat that with some respect. Because that woman is probably a saint.”

I look over at him and see his cheeks turn a little pink as the other guys give him shit. It’s been a long time since I had a woman, but that’s not anyone’s business. I think about holding a woman in my arms and making love, but it’s always followed by the “what ifs.” If I had someone, then I’d have something to lose, and with my job, so would they. If I was in love and had a family, what would happen if one day I didn’t come home? The pain of those thoughts is enough to have me pulling back from any woman who’s tried to do more than say hello to me. I know it’s a part of the job, and it’s a fear we all have. But at least this is one thing I can control.