Broken Silence

For once, Danielle may be right, this may be exactly what we both need. I didn’t mind leaving my old life behind, and I’m actually looking forward to a change of pace even if I didn’t really realize it until right now. It’s a relief not being at that school, knowing everyone knew the old Charlie and hated the new one. Being invisible was comforting there, but now that I’m sitting here with her, I can’t help but think that maybe I’m tired of being lonely too.

With a deep breath and a drink of water, she launches back into her talk. “Okay, I also got you this debit card. It’s linked to my account, and I will load an allowance every week. I did load you on some general spending money and clothes money so you can get properly settled in before school. Would you like to go shopping in person or order online?” she asks, and I quickly point at my tablet. Her answering grin is bright as she slides her finger over the screen and points to some clothing apps. “Perfect, I have my favorites on here already. I’m an online shopper too,” she says with a wink.

She opens up a folder and flips through a few pages. Her expression shifting to serious.

“I’m not trying to overwhelm you, but I figured since it’s Friday I could give you all of your info tonight so you have a few days to process and get familiar with the house and town. I have your school papers here, along with the email I printed out that gave instructions for your first day. The cafeteria at school will also take the debit card I gave you, so lunch money will also be included in the allowance I load. I stocked your bathroom upstairs with some simple makeup and basic necessities. I asked Danielle what kind of hair you had and skin tone, so there are some hair products for thick hair and the makeup should work for you.” She seems so excited as she rattles off all of the info. I, on the other hand, am feeling extremely overwhelmed. It’s a bit hard to go from being constantly ignored or talked around, to having to focus while someone shoves information at you.

On the bright side, I really like Sophia. She’s refreshing… the perfect blend of bubbly and serious, and I feel like if I ever need her, she’ll be there. It’s been too long since I’ve really had someone in my corner.

Hopefully she doesn’t send me away when I become too much.

“I loaded three hundred to your card. Please order at least two hundred worth of clothes. I know that you didn’t exactly get a chance to bring all of your belongings with you when you entered the system.” My eyes go wide at the mention of the money and she waves me off. “Please don’t argue, I set the amount I wanted. I want you to have plenty of your own things here. And I already think we will make a great team,” she finishes before getting up and clearing the table as I look through my school papers.

The instructions are pretty straightforward. Having me go to the office to sign in and get a student ID is pretty standard. They gave me a pretty normal class schedule, a lot of the same classes from my old school. I just need to ask her how I’m going to get to school. Sophia seems pretty organized, so at least I’m fairly positive she has that figured out too.

When I look up, she’s standing behind her chair, studying me. Her expression is unreadable and she fidgets when I look up at her in question.

“Do you allow hugs?” she asks softly. Generally I’d be against it, but I can tell she needs it. And for once, I find that I don’t even mind. She smiles when I shrug and give a small nod. She’s so kind, I don’t want to refuse such a simple request. It doesn’t hurt that she actually asked for permission instead of forcing something on me.

She comes over and gives me a quick squeeze but doesn’t linger. “I know it is hard to adjust, but if you need anything, you tell me. I added the local shopping app I use, it has a feature for VIP members to ship overnight, even on weekends. It’s fantastic, so I would suggest that. Otherwise overnight may not be an option. Just choose to bill me at checkout, and it will charge me instead of your card this time. Then you can use your card this weekend if you or we explore. We can go at your pace though. And remember, at least order several outfits, honey. I want you to have plenty. Please let me do this for you. I have some work to do, so I will be in my office which is through there. I’ll see you in the morning, honey,” she adds and points out her office. Everything she says is in such a rambling quick rush I find my head spinning when she’s done, but I smile and nod before collecting my things to head up to my room.

When I’m back in the familiar quiet, I start to relax. My room is so different from what I’m used to, but it’s oddly comforting. I feel myself starting to hope, but I know that’s a dangerous game, so I shove it away as quickly as it came. It’s healthier to live life with a dose of skepticism. It means I wont get hurt. Because I’m honestly not sure I could handle it if I lose someone else I care about, and I see Sophia getting under my skin, and fast. She’s too genuine not to.

Trying not to think about it, I pull out my phone and start flipping through the app. They actually have some decent clothing shops in town, and even a few more mainstream ones. Plus it lists everything separately that’s in stock locally for pickup or delivery.

Turning on some quiet music I start to scroll through. The clothes I’ve worn for three years have been whatever they chose for me, mostly hand me downs, and it’s actually nice to be able to pick things out for myself..

There?

?s something so freeing about choosing a new look. No one here knows who I am or what I’ve been through. Most importantly they didn't know me before it all happened. Meaning I could be whoever I wanted to be.

By the time I finish, I’ve added a few pairs of dark skinny jeans, a leather jacket, some t-shirts in some darker shades, a few band shirts, a few bra and underwear sets, some awesome fingerless gloves, and a new pair of converse. That should hopefully keep Sophia happy.

After going through my usual night time routine, I snuggle under the covers. But in these quiet moments in the dark, is when it’s the hardest. My fingers dance over the bracelet on my hand and tears fall.

Hey Mom. I miss you guys so much. I know you’d yell at me for the dark thoughts and feelings I have, but for the first time in a long time, I think that feeling might change. The new foster mom reminds me of you. She’s bubbly and tells it like it is.

My feelings and thoughts all flow as I talk to my mom in my mind, drifting off to sleep easier than I have in a long time.

Saturday

Early Morning

Charlie

Bam! Bam! Bam!

The gunshots ring through the house and it immediately sends my body into fight or flight mode, senses on high alert and the need to flee making me twitch.

I’m standing in my old closet, hiding behind my dresses and trying to make myself invisible. The bat in my hand is the only thing grounding me, but only just.

The sounds that came from the first floor were horrifying. Angry voices. Pleading cries. Thumps of flesh hitting flesh. But after the shots, the sound now is far more terrifying.

Silence.

My heart races and tears flow freely down my face. Despite knowing this is a dream, it feels like it did that day.

After several minutes I hear the bang of the front door signifying the coast is clear, and I somehow convince myself that this time it will be different. That this time I'll be able to save them.