A Barker Family Christmas (The Barker Triplets 3.50)

“You say that now, but—“

“No buts, Bobbi. I’ll deal with it.”

“I’m sure you think that it’s something we can work through. But I see the way you look at Billie and Logan’s son. I see the way your eyes light up when you hold him, and it breaks my heart because I don’t think I’m strong enough to give that to you.”

“Why?” He interrupted Bobbi, his eyes narrowed and intense. “Why don’t you want kids? Does this have something to do with what happened before? The miscarriage?”

She thought back to those dark days and shook her head.

“No,” she said hoarsely. “I mean, I don’t know. It’s part of it.” How could she make him understand when she didn’t even understand herself?

“Does it have to do with your mother?” he asked gently.

She froze at his words, eyes sliding away. She didn’t do this. She didn’t ever talk about her mother.

“No.”

Yes.

She glanced to the table beside her bed and Shane followed suit. There, beside her purse and a murder mystery book she’d been trying to read for days, was the picture she’d taken from an old family album she’d found earlier in the week. There was nothing remarkable about it, really. Her mother was about twenty-five in the photo. Her hair was up in a loose ponytail and she was leaning against a picnic table in the back yard peeling an orange, her long hair covering most of her face. There was a slight smile playing around the edges of her mouth, as if she was listening to whomever it was taking the picture. It was candid. Lovely. And it broke Bobbi’s heart.

Shane picked it up and studied it for a few moments while Bobbi watched him, chest painfully tight.

“You girls look like her,” he said quietly.

She nodded, wanting to look away but unable to.

“She never said goodbye,” Bobbi said slowly.

Shane glanced up and waited for her to continue.

“When I was little. When she died. She never said goodbye. I didn’t know what death meant. I didn’t know it was final. So after it happened, I waited for her to come and say goodbye. I waited for days after Gramps told me that she was gone. I guess I thought that she would at least do that. That she’d be able to do that.” She frowned as a wave of memories rushed through her. Images of a sad little girl who wouldn’t speak to anyone in case her mother whispered into her ear.

“But she never came. She never spoke to me again not even in my dreams. She just went away and after a while I stopped waiting.” She was silent for a few moments. “I stopped waiting,” she repeated. “Eventually I even forgot what she looked like. What she smelled like. I forgot what it felt like when she’d hold me and stroke my hair.” Bobbi’s long lashes swept up as she gazed across the room at Shane. “But I never forgot how much it hurt and I…I can’t be responsible for giving anyone that kind of pain. Especially a child.”

Shane set the picture back down onto the table.

“Bobbi, you’re not going anywhere anytime soon.”

“You don’t know that.”

“No, I guess I don’t,” he said. “But babe, you can’t live your life afraid to do something because of a ‘what if’, and you sure as hell can’t shut me out. I’m in this for the win, Barker. I’m not going anywhere. I put that ring on your finger because it belongs there. Because you belong to me, Bobbi. After everything we’ve been through, we deserve a life together.”

“But you want your own children, Shane. How can you be sure that you won’t end up hating me or resenting me if I don’t give them to you?”

He took a step toward her. “That’s the thing, Bobbi. If it’s only gonna be us, I’m one hundred percent on board with that. But Jesus, you have to have enough faith in us to at least face this shit head on. You’ve been pulling away for weeks now, and I had no idea what was up with you. Do you know how hard that was? I was going out of my mind trying to figure out what the hell I’d done.”

“I’m sorry,” she managed to say. “I just…I thought if I didn’t talk about it, it might go away. Maybe I’d get over it. Stupid I know, but the more I thought about us and marriage and a future, I knew kids were part of your plan and I…”

She blew out a long, shaky breath. “Shane it’s not that I don’t want your child, I just don’t know if I can get past the fear of having one. Of being responsible for a little person. Of falling in love with a baby and having that child fall in love with me knowing that things can change in the blink of an eye. I know it’s probably irrational, but it’s there. It’s in me. It’s always been there. Every time you’d bring up planning our own wedding, I’d freeze. I started to think that maybe you’d be better off with someone else. Someone who can give you what you want. Someone who isn’t afraid. Someone who’s not still waiting for her mother to come back to her and say goodbye.”

“I don’t want anyone else. I love you, Bobbi. You’re it.” Shane threw his hands out, palms up, eyes so intense they looked darker than the night sky.

Bobbi swallowed hard and tried to keep it together. She knew this was going to be the most important conversation she was ever going to have.

“There never was anyone else and there never will be anyone else. This right here…” He paused and Bobbi knew he was dead serious. “It’s the end of the line for me. I’m not inter

ested in moving forward with anyone who’s not you. Kids or not. Wedding or not.”