Her face paled even further. “I’m so sorry, Bodie.”
“I have flashes of being found, of being put in a helicopter, then not much else until I woke in a hospital in Germany two weeks later.” He swallowed and continued, hating to tell her of his gruesome past, trying to gloss over details, but needing her to understand. “I was there for several more weeks. Next, they sent me to a stateside army hospital where I stayed for a month or so, then a rehab facility for another couple of months, before being discharged to stay at a friend’s place. I was there until the day we met.”
“Your friend Lukas?”
Bodie nodded. “It was while I was in the Army hospital that I was presented with your quilt. One of my nurses was involved with the Quilts of Valor Foundation and thought I needed it.” He took a deep breath. “She was right.”
Sarah placed her hand on her chest. “I’m glad she gave it to you.”
“Me, too. After the presentation, I read your note and it sparked the first flicker of light I’d felt inside me since the accident.” He looked at her, hoping she understood what he was saying. “I didn’t deserve to survive, Sarah, not when the others didn’t. Although my body had been healing, my mind hadn’t even started. I was their commanding officer and I failed to keep them safe.”
Something he’d never completely forgive himself for. How could he?
“I wanted to have died with them. Until I held your quilt and read your note.” He’d read that note so many times that he’d worn the paper ragged, could quote her words about a blessed life that she owed to men and women like him, about how much she appreciated the sacrifice he made, prayed for him, and hoped he found the peace she knew. That night had been his first without waking, covered in sweat, to the sounds of screams in his head.
Beneath her quilt, the nightmares slowed. He’d wanted to get better to find her, to thank her in person for making the world brighter, making his world brighter.
“That’s why I had to come to Pine Hill, to find you. I needed to tell you thank you for doing what the doctors hadn’t been able to do.”
Sarah’s head spun from everything Bodie was saying.
Her heart ached from his words, from the thought of his beautiful body having been hurt, from his mind having been tortured by gruesome memories and survivor’s guilt.
“You weren’t what I expected to find,” he admitted, laughing a little. “That’s why I assumed Carrie was pointing to Maybelle that day. She fit with my image of who’d made my quilt.”
That explained a lot.
“But it was you,” he said. “I’m glad it was you.”
“Why didn’t you tell me this before now?”
“I was going to show you my gratitude by helping with Hamilton House, then I’d leave without ever telling you I had your quilt.”
She let that sink in. “So why tell me now? What’s changed?”
“Me.”
She waited for him to say more, but then, as usual, had to prompt him.
“How did you change, Bodie?”
“More like what—or rather, who—changed me.” His gaze went to where Harry was playing with a stick he’d found. “Just like with your quilt, you changed me.”
Sarah sucked in a breath.
“You are so full of goodness that being near you makes me feel hope again. How can I not believe in goodness when all I have to do is be near you to feel it?”
Gratitude. He was full of gratitude toward her. She was glad, but…
“I…thank you.”
“I took the job with Lukas at iSecure because it’s the closest I thought I could be to getting my life back. Now I see it for what it is. An opportunity to work my way back to doing what I love, a chance to serve and protect again. I get to be whole again.” Excitement underlined his words, emphasizing their truth. “I’m not telling you all this because I expect anything from you. I don’t. I just needed to tell you everything.”
“But that still doesn’t explain why you chose to tell me now. You could have kept it a secret—I’d never have known.”
Maybe that would have been better. She didn’t want his gratitude. She wanted… she closed her eyes. What she wanted didn’t matter, not when she heard the truth in Bodie’s voice, the excitement at the prospect of his future…far away from her.
“There’s more I need to say.”