Broken but Breathing (Jinx Tattoos 2)

She hung up and found her thoughts wandering to Snake. He’d seemed sad but steady when he left the apartment last night. It wouldn’t hurt to check on him. She quickly sent a text.

~ Support checking in. How you doing today? ~ Es

~Damn, going for brownie points, Es? ~Snake

She laughed. ~Avoiding the question? ~Es

No, enjoying busting your balls. I’m good. ~Snake

She frowned. She hated the way technology took the human aspect out of communication. She couldn’t hear his voice or see his face to read him. I’ll let him come to me if he needs to. She thought about her response, feeling like a teenager trying to impress someone older.

All right. Unlike some, I’m headed to school. Here after 11 if you need me ~ Es

I act

ually work for a living, Sprite. Maybe I’ll show you around sometime. ~ Snake

His words intrigued her. She had no clue what he did for a living. She wanted to respond with something witty, but the clock was ticking down.

§

She scowled as she sifted through her mail and found the jewelry store advertisement. Valentine’s Day was rearing its ugly head once more. Unlike some, she’d liked the holiday previously. A born romantic, she always went out of her way to plan something special for Everett. They’d had cozy nights in, extravagant dinners at expensive restaurants, weekends away, and a million other things she couldn’t bear to remember at the moment. Right now she was treading water. The walls were closing in once more as she moved into the job seeking phase with bartending, and continued to think about Snake more than she should. They’d taken to checking in with each other a few times a week.

It comforted her, knowing she had someone outside of her family who gave a shit. But it also made her feel guilty, like she was replacing Everett in some way as the main man in her life. She walked over to the couch, plopped down, and tossed her mail onto the cocktail table. She’d committed to change, but now she didn’t know who the hell she was. Maybe that’s not such a bad thing. She needed a sounding board, and Jolene wouldn’t be able to remain objective enough to count. It left Snake. She ran a hand through her now shoulder-length hair and closed her eyes. A faint, flickering desire to pray rose inside of her. Stunned, she sat up and looked around, almost expecting to see Jesus himself. She and the Lord had been on the outs for the past two years. The phrase ‘everything happens for a reason’ still set her teeth on edge. She’d never been mad at him for taking them. It was more about the fact that he’d left her behind.

It was the worst kind of torture. She’d spent many days asking herself what she’d done to deserve it. Nothing anyone said could make her believe it wasn’t punishment. I’m not ready to make nice with you. She crossed her arms beneath her breasts and ignored the niggling feeling she was in the wrong. Ignoring the conviction on her heart, she stood. Sitting at home, she’d only wind herself up tighter. Grabbing the keys she’d just plonked down onto the table, she rose and hurried out of the stifling apartment. The place seemed to grow smaller with every day that passed. She stepped out into the chilly day, grateful for the unusual sunshine. Before she always went to the Loveland Bike Trail when she needed to clear her thoughts; it was a place she and Everett frequented. Instinct guided her in that direction, but fear stopped her short. She’d avoided the walking and bike trails there like the plague because they held too many memories.

Healing means being brave and facing shit. Am I going to continue to go out of my way to not drive by a place which once held so much joy? No. She made giant strides. The thought of backsliding filled her with terror. That’s how it always happened previously. She took a step back here, another there, and before she knew it, she was on her ass and ready to retreat from the world again. This year I said I did, instead of I tried. Determined, she continued to the car with her head held high. She understood the concept of fake it until you make it. It’d had been the only thing that had gotten her to walk into the Bartending School that first night under her own power and again when Snake invited her into the clubhouse.

Her hands shook slightly, and her brain screamed at her to abort her mission. She ignored both as she drove the familiar route. An intense sense of discomfort settled in. Her throat went dry. She swallowed and continued to push herself. I can do this. Twenty minutes later, the trail loomed in front of her. She stood in front of the area where the sidewalk ended and the trail began. The colors were muted. Spring had yet to truly begin and the muddy brownish-green color of the grass and leaves made the place seem cold and unwelcoming. She stepped over the crack and sucked in a deep breath. I’m fine. The world isn’t going to end.

Like a drunk driver trying to prove sobriety, she placed one foot in front of the other and shakily navigated the yellow lined strip of concrete. With every inch she gained, the vise on her heart lessened. The world hadn’t ended, and the grief didn’t bring her to her knees. Her mission turned into an actual walk. Her muscles relaxed, and her arms swung at her sides. Look at me, passing for normal. Delighted by the positive turn of events, she picked up the pace, enjoying the exercise. Rounding the corner, she took in the family of three and froze. The father was tall with dark curls falling around his handsome face. A five o’clock shadow covered a strong jaw, and dark brown eyes sparkled with mirth. His wife, a petite blonde, chased their squealing daughter. The girl couldn’t be more than three or four years old at the most. A mass of dirty blonde curls tumbled around her tiny shoulders as she ran in circles.

“I’m going to get you, Emma!” the mother said.

Her stomach soured. She turned on her heel and took off the way she came, pumping her arms and legs as she put distance between herself and what might’ve been. Water distorted her vision, and she stepped off the path and into the wooded area. Hidden behind a tree, she allowed her sobs to break free. Why? Why did this happen? Every time I pull myself up you take my legs out from under me. What did I do to deserve this? She silently raged to the God she’d spent so many months ignoring.

Because you have to deal with all of this before you can rebuild yourself. The words and lucidity struck lighting fast. She leaned back against the tree, stunned into stillness. There was an indiscernible feeling connected to that wayward thought which brought calm, and the beginnings of what might one day become peace.

She closed her eyes and took the chains off the box inside where she’d shoved her faith. Like a loyal friend, it was there waiting, and ready to assist her. “God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference,” she whispered.

It wasn’t a quick fix, but her burden felt lighter. The memory of her last Valentine’s Day with her husband returned, and she allowed herself to enjoy it. He’d flown in from a business trip out of town early, and surprised her with a carriage ride downtown, and dinner at their favorite steak house. I was a very lucky woman once. The happy times might never override the tragedy, but she cherished the newly discovered ability to remember the period before her world crashed down without falling to pieces. Lifting up her T-shirt she wiped away her tears, knowing she was stronger than she’d been when she first arrived.

§

Snake

His mind went to Es for the millionth time. How is she handling the holiday? Valentine’s Day tended to be a big deal for most traditional couples. He took out his cell phone and shot her a text.

Support check in. ~ Snake

I’m okay. Hit a rough patch. ~ Es

He sympathized. The first few years solo were the hardest. The time before you lost them was still fresh along with the grief, and the haze that slowed down time.

Anything, I can do? ~ Snake