Jess clears her throat.
“I actually have a bit of news myself. I’m thinking about returning to physical therapy.”
Her hazel eyes light up. “Oh my God. Mom are you serious? That would be amazing. You loved your job.”
“I am. I still need to look into a few things, but my license is still current, and I think I can catch up with the new procedures and policies.” I’m lying through my teeth, but the two of them are eating it up, so I continue. Coming back isn’t like riding a bike, and I’m scared I can’t hack it. I can always learn things on paper. It’s getting back into the groove and getting someone to give me a chance is what really concerns me. Why didn’t I keep in better contact with people? Because Brooks didn’t want me to, and it became easier to give in than it was to argue.
He planned out every last detail of my life for the past six years, and like a fool, I let him. Shame washes over me once more. I glance away from daughter unable to look her in the eyes. What kind of example did I set? It’s a heavy load to take on one’s shoulders.
“I’m proud of you, Mom.”
The words rub salt into an open wound.
“Thank you, baby.” I’m a master at hiding my true emotions after all this time. So I say and do the right things while I scream my throat raw mentally.
We leave the late lunch as the sun is setting. The sinking orb spreads its beautiful purples, oranges, and reds across the ocean, turning the beach into a postcard op. There’s a time when I would’ve admired it. Now, I’m numb. The only thing I have left to live for is hauling it out of here in a few months, and I’m too damn tired and full of doubt to claw my way back into the medical field. I used to be such a strong woman, like my mother and my grandmother.
Once I figured what I wanted, I went for it in beast mode until I had it. I wasn’t raised to be this spineless jellyfish I’ve become. I can’t help but think back to the way my grandma gave Brooks the side-eye and a small frown of disapproval. She bit her tongue when he was around. It was the polite thing to do, but she never approved of him. Even as my mother oohed and ahhed over the great catch, I’d landed. She told me he was too self-absorbed and it would lead to grief later one. You were right about that, Grandma.
“You know I love you guys, and I’m glad we did lunch, but I have plans tonight.”
“Oh, with who?” I ask.
“Jenny and Riley. The two girls that came by earlier this week. We have a group project due, and I’m going over to Jenny’s to work on it.”
“It’s just her and her mother and little sister in the three bedroom apartment right?”
“Yeah.” She nods.
I relax. I’m still wary of men. In a public setting with plenty of witnesses, they’re fine. Alone, my mind begins to make up horrific scenarios and my heart races. My psychiatrist says it’s normal, and over time it’ll fade. But when I’m in the midst of a panic attack, it feels like it goes on forever. How can I have clients when I’m prone to spaz attacks? I push the frustration down. My days with these women are numbered, vacation will be over soon enough for Jess, and college is coming for Whit.
“Okay. This is your final project for English isn’t it?”
“Yes. The made it a group project because they felt it was important to reinforce working together before we head off to college. It’s always the same. One person acts as leader, one flakes off, and the other coasts in the middle.”
“Where do you land?” Jess asks.
“The leader or co-leader. I don’t leave my grades up to chance.”
“That’s my girl,” I say proud of her take charge attitude. It’s something she got from her father. I mentally flinch at the thought of him. My stomach churns, and a chill settles into my bones as the ocean breeze comes in. It’s hot out, but this kind of cold comes from the inside. My mind drifts to Jagger. I wish I had his ability to block my emotions, ‘cause they’re hell on my heart. We part ways at our cars, and I can’t help but feel the distances between us begin to form as Whitney backs out of the parking space and drives away. Yet again, life is shifting for the Birling family.
“You going to be okay, Mama Bear?”
“Yeah. I mean. You know they have to grow up and leave the nest, but after everything that happens, I can’t help but feel like I’m one more surprise away from a breakdown.
“How can I help?”
“You already are, Jess. By listening without judging me.”
“You know you’ve always got a safe place here with me,” she says.
I nod my head as we get into the SUV.
“Where to now, fearless leader?”
“Let’s go back to my place and put the new blender to the test. I need one or three margaritas.”
She laughs. “I’ve turned you into a lush again. Remember the college days?”