Walk the Line (Kings of Chaos 5)

“Alright. I’ll leave you to it. I wanted to touch base and bring you this.” He pulls out a phone and charger.

“It’s already charged up and got all the numbers you need in it.”

“I appreciate it.”

“Whatever you need, let us know.”

I nod my head as he leaves me alone to figure out what the hell I’m going to do moving forward. I fire up the net and begin to familiarize myself with life without the use of my legs. I don’t know if I’m worse off or better when I set the phone aside thirty minutes later. The thought of having to use a catheter for the rest of my life makes me sick to my stomach. If I can’t feel from the waist down, I won’t know when I need to use the restroom or know if I hurt anything from the waist down. Bed sores, clogged pipes, and bed wetting accidents dance around in my mind haunting me.

How can I live like this? To be on a bowel program that may include manual removal. My gut churns, and I close my eyes. Hell, I could be sitting in feces and not feel it right now. No, I’d smell it. I thought sitting here and pushing everyone away would slow things down, but I see now it won’t. I have to learn as much as I can as fast as I can to gain some semblance of independence. I can’t do anything yet. I’m too weak, but I sure as fuck don’t plan on remaining that way long.

I relax, and let sleep take me. I’m tired, and escaping the bitter battle raging in my head is a bonus to rest.

Pain shoots through my legs, and I cry out as I wake to find my legs trembling like I’m stranded in the Artic with no clothes. Hope sores through me even as I grit my teeth against the pain. Have I been granted a miracle?

“Jesus. Spasticity.”

“It hurts. I can feel it, B,” I say excitedly.

“Oh, baby, no those are phantom pains.” She leans over the bed and presses the call button.

“Yes?”

“Jagger is having spasticity and phantom pains.”

“We’re on our way down.”

“P-phantom? It feels pretty fucking real, B.”

“I know, I’m sorry. Your body is confused right now and trying to find nerve pathways that aren’t active.”

I grip the bed rails as my legs continue to dance. The nurse arrives. A tall blonde with blue eyes and a round face.

“Mr. Ryan I’m Theresa, I’m your afternoon nurse. We’re going to see if massage helps with Spasticity. This is a normal reaction after a SCI or Spinal Cord injury. It’s involuntary leg movement.” She tosses the blanket aside, and I see them for the first time. The useless limbs that seem foreign to me. I scowl down at the pale, twitching, legs, and feel sick to my stomach. She grabs my left leg and begins a rub down I can’t feel. My legs respond quickly as the twitching lessens. The burning sensation recedes.

“Depending on what the doctor decides, you may end up with medicine to help with the Spasticity, but right now your body is so busy trying to acclimate, things may be more intense than they will be moving forward.”

“And the pain?”

“Neuropathic pain. It’s your brain trying to communicate with the damaged nerves.”

It’s embarrassing being in here with a pretty girl looking after me. I turn to B, and I can tell she’s biting her tongue and chomping at the bit. She wanted to jump in, but it’s not her jurisdiction. To be like this, exposed and weak, it’s shameful. I could do it with B. I’d hate it, but I could handle it. With strangers, not. All I want to do is go home.

“When will the doctor be by?” I ask through gritted teeth.

“Dr. Laundry is on duty at the moment. She’ll be stopping to speak with you in another thirty minutes or so.”

“Okay.”

I stare her down coldly, and she covers my legs and backs out.

B place a hand on my shoulders, but remains blissfully silent.

“Want some good news?”

“Be hard to give me that right now.”

“While I was out, I went down to the station. They’re charging Elizabeth with two counts of attempted murder in the first degree.”