The Freshman (College Years 1)

My laughter dies, and memories come at me, one after another.

“I fucked everything up with Sophie, huh?” I say as I stare off into the distance. Regret hits me, and it’s bittersweet. I slowly shake my head.

“You did,” he agrees without hesitation. “You should reach out to her sometime. Tell her you’re sorry for how it ended. She’d probably like to hear from you.”

“How do you know?”

“I comment on her Instagram posts. She’s doing well. I didn’t cut her off like you did,” Caleb says.

I unfollowed her everywhere. Didn’t want the painful reminder.

“Don’t do the same thing to Hayden. Me giving you this information, I know what you’d normally do. You’d slowly withdraw, but try and tell everyone it’s okay. You’re okay. You’d pull away from Hayden. Claim you were busy all the time. Act distant when you are together, which will eventually become a rare occurrence. Hold on to all that crap and let it grow and build. Until you can’t take it anymore and you tell her you want out. She’ll agree because you’ve been such an ass, she wants out too. And then it’s over.”

The way Caleb just mapped everything out…is painfully accurate. Reminds me of what I did to Sophie. Though she’s the one who broke up with me first.

I glance at my phone to check the time. I have twenty minutes till class starts and I didn’t study for shit. Not like I can concentrate. It’s a full day of classes, and then practice. I won’t be finished till late tonight, and we have a game Saturday. A big one. We’re on our way to playing in a bowl game, which is exciting. A big deal. I want to relish in that. Enjoy it. This could be my only chance. Asher Davis is an excellent QB, and he could be one of the best I’ve ever played with, beyond Jake.

Maybe Eli can step up, but it’ll take time. I’m on top now. I’m with an elite team. The local news can’t stop talking about us. Sports networks are making predictions. It’s an exciting time, yet I’m having to deal with relationship bullshit.

It’s so damn tempting to end things with Hayden. Not bother discussing it. Just be done, cut it off, sweep it under the rug, and move on.

But it’ll hurt. More than it did with Sophie. It’ll be like cutting off a limb. I don’t want the ghost of my relationship with Hayden to haunt me for the rest of my days. I want to fight.

I need to fight for her.

For us.

Twenty-Six

Hayden

Late Friday afternoon and I’m sitting in my apartment on the couch, trying to write yet another paper that’s due Monday and thinking about Tony. I still haven’t talked to him since Caleb and Gracie happened upon my saying stupid shit to my father. Not really. Oh, we’ve texted a few times. Things that really meant nothing and one voicemail from him, explaining that he was busy, he missed me, and hoped that he could see me tonight.

Tonight as in tonight.

The football team leaves early tomorrow morning to play an away game against San Jose State. That’s only a couple of hours from here, and they didn’t feel the need to leave this afternoon to practice on San Jose’s field in the morning. Makes sense.

I’m tempted to convince Gracie to go with me to the game so we can show our support, but I’m also really stressed out over what Caleb heard me say, and worried Tony might tell me to go to hell. He’s a fair and reasonable person, but I know he shuts people out if he thinks they’ve fucked with him.

I know Caleb must’ve gone to Tony and told him what he heard me say. Gracie all but confirmed it, but she’s being mysterious. Said that Caleb handled “everything perfectly.”

What the hell does that even mean?

Here’s where I share a little fact about myself: I’m an avoider. My mother used to say that about me all the time. When I was little, if I broke something, I hid it. In the sixth grade, my report card was mailed home and I stashed it in my closet for weeks. I didn’t want my parents to see my shitty grades—my math and science grades were so bad. I had a C and D, respectively. I got caught when my mom overheard me telling my friend on the phone that “no, my parents hadn’t seen my report card yet because I got it out of the mail before they could.”

Busted.

So, of course, I don’t want to mention what happened to Tony. I’d rather pretend I never said it at all, and if Caleb and Gracie wouldn’t have walked up at that exact moment, I could’ve done exactly that. My father and Tony won’t compare notes over that conversation. I could’ve gotten away with it.

Unfortunately, that’s not how it panned out.

It’s not like it’s any big deal, what I said. I didn’t mean any of it. I told my dad those things to placate him. If anyone would understand, it’s Tony. I’m sure he did the same thing to his father and his wicked stepmother. In fact, I know he did. I’m being dumb right now.

So dumb.

What happened to Hayden Channing, independent woman who takes care of herself? Who doesn’t need anyone? Who owns her sexuality? Her relationships? Her life? I tell myself I’m a badass, and sometimes I believe it.

Right now is not one of those times.