The Junior (College Years 3)

“Are you planning on finding a job somewhere else?” Ellie asks.

“I don’t know.” I shrug. “I planned on applying everywhere I could think of and see what happens.”

My friends are quiet, ruminating over my words, and I ruminate too. That was always part of the plan. Student teach here, then eventually end up somewhere else. I could go back home to the Bay Area, but it’s so freakin’ expensive over there. I’d probably barely make rent, let alone be able to afford anything else. And I don’t like the idea of having a bunch of roommates after this year.

I want to live on my own. Be my own person. Do my own thing. Feel like an actual, capable adult. In a year, that’s exactly what I’ll be doing, while Caleb is still in college. How can we make that work?

I don’t know if it’s possible. Maybe I’m looking for every excuse to end this before shit gets hard, I’m not sure…

“Have you told Caleb that?” Hayden asks.

I slowly shake my head. “Will we even be together by the time I’m trying to find a job?”

Ellie’s eyes go wide. “What are you saying?”

“I’m saying anything’s possible. I could end up with him for a little while longer, but who knows? We’re eventually going to get bored with each other. I know us. And that’s okay. It’ll be fun while it lasts.” Ellie and Hayden’s faces turned panicked, their eyes going wide, their mouths popping open. I stare at them, wondering what kind of secret message they’re trying to tell me when I realize…

Caleb is standing directly behind me. I can smell the faint scent of his cologne, feel the warmth of his body radiating toward me. He must’ve slipped outside when I was talking, and I didn’t hear him.

He settles his hand on my shoulder, giving it the briefest squeeze before he asks, “Ready to go?”

I close my eyes for the briefest moment, my heart sinking. How much did he hear? How bad is the damage?

My eyes open to find my friends watching me with openly sympathetic expressions. I don’t need to glance up at Caleb to know he’s either mad, hurt or both.

I chance a glance upwards to find it’s all of the above. He looks crushed.

Furious.

Crap.

Twenty-Seven

Caleb

The entire drive back to our apartment, her words keep ringing in my head, over and over. The tone of her voice, how nonchalant she sounded. Just another night gossiping with her friends about our so-called relationship. She made it—us—sound downright unimportant.

Meaningless.

We’re eventually going to get bored with each other. I know us. And that’s okay. It’ll be fun while it lasts.

If I could, I’d punch the steering wheel right now, but I restrain myself. I don’t want to give away exactly how much I heard her say. I tell myself it was nothing. Just Gracie talking to her friends, saying something I’m sure I wasn’t meant to hear.

The problem? I heard it. I heard enough to know that her attitude is, ha, ha, let’s just see how far this goes before we’re finished, and that just…

Fuck that hurts.

She dozes in the passenger seat, which is infuriating. She’s not even worried over what I could’ve possibly heard, which means she’s actually okay with me knowing that she doesn’t see a future for us. That hurts even worse.

Hey, I’m not one who’s big on thinking long term. I never have been. But Gracie has completely changed my life. Not like I can admit that I’m totally in love with her, because I’m not. But I’m definitely falling.

At least, I think I am. Considering I have no previous experience in the love department, I’m floundering over here.

Fuck.

And I was having such a good night too. All of my friends reunited, back together, just like the old days. Ava and Eli all over each other, the look of pure joy on that dude’s face at having his girl by his side, I could feel that. Hanging out with Jackson, playing video games like we used to, yelling and cussing each other out. Listening to his stories about being on the road, and how much he loves it, even when it’s intimidating. How glad he is that he has Ellie with him, and how much she grounds him.

I felt that last statement down to my soul. It’s what Gracie does to me. She grounds me. She reminds me of who I am, and I thought she saw the possibilities of who I could be. She makes me feel like I have potential. I figured with Gracie by my side I could do anything. Conquer any challenge. Find happiness. Feel content.