The Senior (College Years 4)

But it don’t mean shit. Not if I don’t have my girl by my side.

Once all the donuts have been polished off and Tony and Diego have left, Caleb and I clean up the kitchen, me dumping out the leftover coffee in the to-go cups and Caleb wiping all the crumbs off our tiny kitchen table.

“Has Gracie talked to Ava?” I ask as casually as I can muster.

Caleb finishes cleaning the table and then walks over to the sink, nudging me out of the way so he can run water over the rag he was just using, strangely quiet.

It’s like he’s trying to come up with something first.

“Yeah,” he finally says. “But I don’t know if I can tell you about it.”

I’m frowning. Hard. “What do you mean by that?”

“They’re friends and Gracie has been there for Ava, just like I’ve been there for you. Let’s just leave it at that,” Caleb says mysteriously.

Huh. Look at Caleb keeping his mouth shut. This is big for him.

Of course, Gracie and Ava are talking. I should’ve known. A few years ago, Ellie and Ava both viewed Hayden and Gracie as their sort of big sisters to go to for advice. They would have girls’ nights over at Hayden and Gracie’s apartment. Jocelyn would be there too. They’d probably cackle and put together voodoo spells on us guys to get us to do what they wanted.

Or maybe not. Shit, I don’t know what those girls were up to half the time. I was oblivious. Confident my girl would always want to be with me, just like I always wanted to be with her. Yeah, we had some conflict over the years, especially once she went away to college in San Diego. And yeah, shit got tough sometimes when she was gone. But we were going to make it. Together forever.

Months after we split, and it still hurts so damn bad, I can barely stand it.

“Is she coming to the ceremony tonight?” I ask Caleb.

“Who? Ava?” He shrugs. “I don’t know if she’s home yet.”

“Shouldn’t she be? Wouldn’t she be in school right now?” We’ve been in school since late August and it’s almost the end of September. SDSU follows a similar schedule.

“From what I understand, her study abroad program went past the beginning of the school year. To the point that she won’t be at San Diego State for the fall semester. She’ll start back up in the spring,” Caleb explains, clamping his lips shut when he realizes he’s probably said too much. “Someone mentioned that to me.”

“Who?”

“I don’t

know.” He shrugs, but I’m sure he means Gracie.

But I don’t call him out on it. They all tread carefully around me, as if they’re afraid I’ll lash out if they say the wrong thing. Which I totally would, I can’t deny it.

“The Callahans will be there tonight,” I say morosely. “Not Jake, since he has a game, but the rest of them will be.”

And I don’t want to see them.

The words hang unspoken in the room. I know Caleb gets what I’m thinking. I can see it on his face. If Ava really is back from Europe and not even enrolled this semester, then I’d bet she’s around. Maybe she’s holed up with Mommy and Daddy until the end of the year? Or is she back in San Diego having the time of her life?

Too many questions and what ifs and no one will give me an answer. I’d guess most of them don’t actually know. The only way I could find out every bit of information is if I spoke to Ava herself. But that’s the last thing I want to do.

She left me, just like everyone else important in my life does. My parents. My brother. Hell, even some of my close friends. I thought Ava was the one person who would never do that to me, but even she let me down.

I need to forget her. Banish her from my life. She made her choice, and the longer I’ve gone without talking to her or seeing her, the easier it gets.

Somewhat.

Damn, I fucked everything up. But too late now. I’m sure she hates me. But I couldn’t take the idea of her just leaving me without discussing it first. I overreacted. Instead of being rejected by the one person who means the most to me, I rejected her first. I thought by doing that, I wouldn’t get hurt.

Big mistake. I’m still hurting.

“Yeah. They will be.” That’s all Caleb says.