The Senior (College Years 4)

“That’s messed up,” Hayden says.

“Right? But that’s just Eli. I know how he thinks.” Better than anyone else.

“Well, he thinks like an idiot then,” Jocelyn mutters, sounding disgusted. “Seriously, he’s going to let you go over something as petty as this?”

“There’s no ‘going to let me go’ about it. He’s already let me go. What’s done is done,” I stress. “I don’t want to talk about him anymore.”

My friend group respects my wishes and goes silent, focusing their attention on the field below. The Bulldogs are winning. Eli is playing a magical game. His accuracy is on point and he even ran the ball in for a touchdown, fast as lightning as he streaked through the players, darting into the end zone. Force of habit had me leaping to my feet and cheering for him, my friends watching me in dismay.

I slowly lowered myself back into my seat without a word. Not about to do that again.

I listen as Hayden and Gracie compare teaching stories. Gracie is in an apartment in the same town where my family lives, and teaching at an elementary school that’s part of our old school district. The moment Caleb graduates, I know he’s moving up there with her.

So cute. They make such a great couple. Thinking about them together is enough to fill a love-starved girl full of envy.

That love-starved girl would be me.

Hayden is teaching at an elementary school here in Fresno while she waits for her boyfriend, Tony, to graduate. I feel like I’ve known Tony forever since he’s one of my brother’s best friends. He’s quiet and thoughtful, and he would watch out for me at school all the time, even when I didn’t realize it.

I don’t know what their plans are after Tony graduates, but I have a feeling that whatever it is, they’re doing it together.

I envy the confidence all three of these women have in their relationships. Especially Jocelyn, who went through a lot with Diego when we were all still in high school, but they’re still together. Sharing an apartment and raising their adorable little girl, Gigi, who started preschool this year.

Everything is changing. We’re all turning into adults with real jobs and responsibilities.

And I have no idea what I’m doing, or where I’m going next. I feel lost.

Adrift.

I hate it.

“This is dumb,” Jocelyn suddenly declares as she turns to look at me. “Please come to the party tonight. It hasn’t been the same without you around, Ava. We all miss you. And if Eli shows up, we’ll be with you, and we’ll support you no matter what. If he wants to talk to you and you don’t, we’ll tell him to leave you alone.”

Gracie and Hayden nod in agreement, their expressions fierce.

I stare at my friends, my heart flooding with love. That they want to support me, no matter what, makes me want to cry.

“Okay,” I say softly, earning a loud squeal out of each of them as they all come for me in a group hug. “I can’t be left alone, though.”

“Never,” Gracie says fiercely when they all pull away from me. “I’ll walk you into the bathroom if I have to.”

“You might have to,” I say, shocked I can even make a joke right now.

“He probably won’t even show up if he knows you’re at my place,” Hayden says, trying to reassure me.

But her words don’t bolster me whatsoever. He hates me that much that he would completely avoid a party with our friends because I’m there? When he’s the one who broke up with me?

What a motherfucker.

“Listen, I’m sure none of you want to answer this question right now, but I have to know—” I hesitate for only a moment, taking a deep breath before I continue on, “Has he…found someone else?”

They’re so quiet for so long, I’m a bundle of frazzled nerves in a matter of seconds. Like, I’m literally shaking, I’m so scared of their response.

“No,” Gracie finally says. “Not that I know of.”

“Like any of them would tell us,” Jocelyn says, earning a hard look from Gracie and Hayden. She immediately appears apologetic, reaching out to lay her hand on my arm. “I’m sorry. You know what I mean.”

“I do.” And I appreciate Jocelyn’s brutal honesty. I don’t want flowery words and cover ups. Fake denials and bullshit. I need facts.