The Senior (College Years 4)

She rage cleans her childhood bedroom, that’s what.

I’ve been in pure demolition cleaning mode for the last couple of days. Going through my closet was a project long overdue, and so overwhelming, I almost quit multiple times.

But I powered through. It helped to keep my focus on other things and not allow myself to think about Eli.

Which I’m doing right now. He needs to go. Vanish. Poof.

It’s hard not to think about him when I find specific clothing items that I wore with him. Like the dress I wore at the homecoming ceremony when I won junior princess—the same dress I wore the night he took my virginity. I wanted to put it in the donation pile so badly, but like a sentimental fool, I hung onto it.

Then I stumbled upon the jersey I wore to Bulldog football games last year—the few that I could actually attend. The one with his number on it and his last name emblazoned on the back. I was so proud of that jersey, letting everyone know, who would listen, that he was my boyfriend. I was fully prepared to carry that name myself eventually.

Ava Bennett has a good ring to it.

It’s when I start going through my old jewelry box that I have a difficult time. So many sentimental items. A lot of them from Eli. I put them all together in one little drawer. A pair of earrings he gave me. A silver bracelet with a tiny heart charm. A necklace with a small diamond pendant.

And then I find the necklace.

The one that belonged to him with the #1 pendant on it. My brother tore it off his neck when they got into a fight in our back yard a long time ago, and I found it. Kept it. Never gave it back to Eli, and when he discovered I was wearing it, he said it belonged to me.

“I like seeing my number on you,” he said one night, when I was lying there with nothing else on but that necklace.

The tears form and I clutch the stupid necklace in my fist, tempted to throw it away.

But his dad gave it to him a long time ago, and I know it has sentimental value. Does he even remember that I still have it? Would he want it back?

I’m thinking yes. He’d definitely want it back.

I find a little envelope that I saved for whatever reason and drop the necklace inside, sealing it with the metal closure. I suppose I could mail it back to him. That’s the sort of impersonal treatment he totally deserves.

Or I could write him a letter and express all the pain he’s brought upon me. Would he read it? Would he understand what I was trying to say to him?

Probably not.

Heaving a big sigh, I drop the envelope on my dresser, right when there’s a knock on my door and then it swings open.

“Hey,” Ellie strides in, all sunshiny bright with the mustard yellow sweater she’s wearing and that giant smile on her face. “How are you?”

We’re all going to pretend what happened Saturday night never happened. I’d been an emotional, underdressed wreck when they found me, and they all rallied around me so hard. It felt good, basking in their love and care, even though I was the saddest I think I’ve ever been in my life.

They reminded me there were more important things in my life than just Eli, and I needed that. More than I realized.

“I’m good,” I say, smiling at her in return. “Just…cleaning.”

Ellie’s gaze scans the room, her expression slowly morphing into surprise, along with a hint of dismay. “Wow, it looks like a bomb went off in here.”

“A bomb made of clothes.” I go to my bed and sweep a bunch of clothes off of it, not caring that they all fall onto the floor in a heap. “It’s a big project.”

“I’ll say.” She perches on the edge of the bed, glancing around. “What are you doing with all of this?”

“Donating most of it. Some things I’m tossing. If they’re faded or ripped or whatever.” I gesture toward a garbage bag sitting next to my desk full of items I’m throwing away. “I own a lot of stuff, so it feels good to get rid of most of it. It’s a cleanse.”

“Like a metaphor for your entire life right now,” Ellie says dryly.

I shoot her a look. “True.”

Her expression turns serious. “Are you doing okay after what…happened?”

I nod. Shrug. “Yeah. I mean, it is what it is. I can’t change any of it.”