Shallow River

Both make me want to kill him.

“Are you trying to wake up in more pain tomorrow?” he asks, bringing me back to the conversation.

I frown. “Well, no.”

“Then shut your pretty mouth and get some sleep.”

The door clicks behind him before I can open my pretty mouth and tell him thank you. Maybe that’s for the best. He’s helping me, but there’s an odd part of me that feels like I’m still supposed to hate him.

More than likely, it stems from that fucked up part of me that feels loyal to Ryan. But after what he did today, I think it’s time to finally accept the fact that I’m dating a lesser version of Billy.

An absolute piece of shit.

I was so desperate for love and human connection, that I fell for all his bullshit. Even when there were people literally shoving the facts down my throat. And all I did was spit them back in their face.

God, Alison. It hurts to admit she was right, but then again, that’s only my pride. I was awful to her. Part of that was due to jealousy, the other part because of the things Ryan fed me about her.

Alison and Ryan grew up together, though Alison is my age. Their parents were best friends, and they fell into that cliché fairytale. The parents pushed them together, Ryan and Alison went along with it, dated throughout high school and almost a year of Alison’s college career before they split.

He insisted she was a crazy bitch that cheated on him constantly and stalked him when he left her. His claims never matched the Alison I interacted with, but I convinced myself it was all an act. That she was the manipulative, lying bitch when all along, it was Ryan.

She was never mean or vindictive towards me, she was just a woman trying to help another woman.

“She was right,” I whisper aloud. “And I’m a fucking idiot.”

“RIVER, WHAT THE HELL is going on? Why the hell didn’t anyone tell me you were in the hospital? Why wouldn’t Ryan call me? And if you lie to me, you’re on diaper duty for a full week. Don’t fuck with me,” Amelia threatens through the phone. Her threat makes me smile. Diaper duty with a mini Amelia doesn’t sound so bad compared to telling the truth.

But alas. “I was jumped in Shallow Hill. I don’t know by who. And Ryan… Ryan made it worse.”

Silence. It sounds deathly.

“What do you mean he made it worse, River?” She questions darkly. I’ve seen Amelia pissed before—it’s scary. When I don’t answer right away, she continues her threats. “Scratch that, I’ll make it a month. And I’ll wait till my six weeks are up and me and David will have sex in the next room the entire time.”

“You’re tempting me

with a good time,” I reply in a bored tone, though there’s a small smile on my face. I inspect my nails. They’re broken and jagged. I wonder how many weird looks I’d get if I walked into a nail salon right now. The thought makes me want to hide and go do it all in the same breath.

Why should I hide that I was attacked? I’m a fucking survivor, right? I always have been. Maybe I should start relishing in the attention from bruises and a broken soul. Maybe I should turn it into armor.

“…River? RIIIIVEEERR.”

Amelia’s impatient tone snaps me out of it. I clear my throat.

“He left me, Amelia. He was so angry that I put myself in that situation.”

Even now, I’m still lightening the gravity of his actions. I’m still protecting him, and I’ve no idea why. She could ask me if Jesus is a virgin and I’d have a better answer for her.

Amelia sighs. “I’m not happy that you still go there, either, River. It’s obviously dangerous, and it does nothing but cause harm. Whether its mental or physical. But despite that, you didn’t deserve a damn thing that happened to you and he has no right to treat you like that. Why don’t you come stay with us? We haven’t turned the spare into a nursery yet.”

I lick my dry lips. To tell the truth or continue to be a liar? Hmm, decisions.

“I… I kind of have a place to stay right now. I’m good, Amelia. Really.”

“Where are you staying?” Damn her nosiness. I can’t fault her. I’d ask the same. “River?” she prompts when I don’t answer.

“His brother’s?” I said it like a question. Fuck, I said it like a damn question. Amelia pounces.

“Explain yourself. Now.”