Shallow River

If I didn’t feel so broken, I’d be pacing the floor right now. I never was in the habit of biting my nails before, but maybe I should start. Maybe I should make them nice and stumpy before going to the nail salon.

“He’s a detective actually. And coincidentally, I ended up in front of his house that night. He’s been helping out ever since.”

I don’t tell her about his random pop-ins when I’m leaving class. That would lead to confessing about why he felt the need to find me. And then that’ll lead to the library incident, when I felt too… free. Like I could say anything or do anything with no consequence.

“Are you comfortable there?”

I know what she’s really asking. Is Mako just like Ryan? Does he scare me too?

He does. Just not in the way she’d think.

“Yes,” I breathe. And this time, I’m telling the complete truth.

She sighs in relief. “Okay, well I have to go throw up now. But will you text me? Let me know you’re okay and if you need anything?”

I smile, more grateful than ever that Amelia’s in my life. “Of course, babe. I love you.”

“I love you too, River.”

126 MISSED CALLS.

349 UNREAD MESSAGES.

50 VOICEMAILS.

RYAN: Baby, please come home. I need you. I’m losing my fucking mind without you.

RYAN: I can’t fucking live like this, River. You’re killing me. You’re fucking killing me.

RYAN: Does this make you happy? That I want to fucking kill myself? I’ll fucking do it, River. I’ll write my suicide note and tell everyone it’s all your fault, that way when someone asks you what it’s like to murder someone, you’ll know.

RYAN: I’m staring at this gun in my hand and all I want to do is put a bullet in my brain. I don’t know if I’ll be able to stop myself.

RYAN: I’m just so hurt by the way you’re treating me. You’re acting like I never meant anything to you.

RYAN: So much for never fucking leaving me, River. You promised you’d never leave me.

RYAN: Was everything a lie? All those times you told me you loved me. That we would be together forever. Everything was a lie.

RYAN: I want to kill myself right now. The only thing keeping me alive is the hope that you’ll come back to me.

RYAN: Baby PLEASE.

RYAN: Where the fuck are you, River? I’ll fucking find you if you don’t tell me.

RYAN: No one will ever keep me from finding you.

RYAN: FUCKING ANSWER ME!

RYAN: I’m coming for you.

EVERY TIME HIS NAME flashes across the screen, I want to break it. I just got this new phone, too, considering Billy smashed the other one. That entire week, I struggled with the push and pull. I’d go from seething mad to missing him and crying because of what he did to me. My fingers would hover over the keypad, desperate to respond to him. Desperate to plead for him not to kill himself. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Not even when he threatened to come looking for me.

That was two days ago, and he still hasn’t found me. I assume the last place he ever expected me to be was his brother’s. Ryan doesn’t know that Mako and I have ever talked past the short encounter when I met their parents. Didn’t keep me from constantly checking out the window in fear, waiting for his car to pull up.

It’s hard to admit that the past week I’ve been here, this is the safest I’ve ever felt in… well, my entire life. I hate that. I hate that being around Ryan feels like standing next to a tornado, while his brother feels like finding safety in a storm shelter.

Another text comes through. This time it’s an image. Ryan is holding a gun to his head, the look in his eyes desperate and wild. My heart drops. Is he actually going to do it? When he threatened to kill himself, I never truly believed it, though it kept me up at night praying he wouldn’t. But this seems too real. Ryan’s not the type to hold a gun to his head.