This was like a flashback to the last time we’d been standing in this yard, hashing out our feelings. Had that only been a few days ago? Now, it felt like a lifetime. But this time, I couldn’t go there. I couldn’t even begin to unfold those emotions and unpack them. Not with everything else on the line.
“Right now, I’m telling you that we can’t do this.” My voice cracked as I tried not to cry. “And I can’t let you help. Not with Charlotte feeling so vulnerable. I’m responsible for her.”
“Maybe, we don’t have to tell her,” he said in a low, pleading tone.
I shot him a sharp look. “I’m a lot of things, but I’m not a liar. I won’t go behind her back.”
He nodded, regret crossing his face. “Yeah, you’re right. Stupid idea.”
I hated what this was doing to Jayden. I hated that I was the one hurting him. Reaching for his hands, I grabbed them and tried to warm them up. The run in the rain had made them icy cold. He wove his fingers between mine and held them tight.
“I’m not saying it’s forever,” I said, looking up at him. “But I just can’t do this right now. I can’t be with you. And I can’t go to prom with you. Not with everything going on. Not until Charlotte is back on stable ground. It’s my job to watch out for her. My parents are counting on me.”
He nodded curtly, maintaining a neutral expression, but I could still see the glint of sadness in his blue eyes. It was clear I didn’t deserve him. He was so sweet, even now as I was surgically ripping his heart out. I reached up to softly touch his cheek, doing my best to memorize the rough sensation of the scruff along his jaw. I’d dream of his face tonight, just like I had every night for the past few days.
“You’d better go,” I said finally, dropping my hand to my side.
He nodded, although his grip on my other hand didn’t loosen. He stared at me for a long second, before dipping down to brush his lips against mine one last time. It was way too quick for my taste, and left my heart crying out for more. But before I could stop him, he dropped my hand and walked away.
Shivers came over me as I stood there watching him. Maybe it was the ice-cold droplets still falling on my head or the sensation that I’d just made a huge mistake, but they were uncontrollable. The breeze picked up, whipping wisps of my hair around my head. I had no doubt it swallowed up my voice as I whispered, “I love you, too.”
There it was, undeniable from the moment Jayden had first uttered it to me. I’d never known what it was about Jayden that kept him in my thoughts. All this time, I’d mistaken it for annoyance, but I’d been wrong. I loved him, too.
And now—I was watching him walk away.
I wrapped my arms tightly around my abdomen as I trudged back to the house. By now, my pajamas and slippers were totally soaked. I needed a fresh change of clothes and another pint of mint chip ice cream. But when I walked into the house, I nearly collided with my sister.
“Charlotte!” I stared at her, wide-eyed. “How long have you been home?”
She shrugged off her jacket and hung it up cleanly in the coat closet. “Just got here. Came in the back door. I about drowned out there.”
Her voice was calm and level, not at all what I’d expect if she’d spotted me and Jayden together. And when she shot me a smile, I let out a silent sigh of relief.
“I’m gonna go study before supper,” she said, pointing over her shoulder. “I’ve got a math test tomorrow.”
I combed up the loose hairs around my face back into my ponytail. “Yeah, great idea. Let me know if you need any help.”
“You’ve helped plenty,” she said, as she headed toward her bedroom. “I’ve got to do the rest if I want to pass sophomore year.”
As much as my heart was hurting in that moment, it gave me a tiny bit of relief to see my sister doing so well. I couldn’t remember the last time she’d willingly studied without me having to practically babysit her. This was improvement.
At least I could do something right.
Even when everything else in my life was falling apart.
Chapter Twenty
He couldn’t even look at me.
Somehow, I’d mustered up the courage to go to school today. Two days at home alone would’ve made my mom concerned. So I’d put on some appropriate clothes, managed to at least finger-comb my straight hair up into a messy bun, and semi-enthusiastically brushed my teeth. But that was it. I’d been a splotchy, hot mess all morning and Jayden couldn’t even look at me when we passed in the cafeteria for lunch. I was pretty sure this twisting, tearing feeling in my gut was going to kill me.
“Are you guys officially on the outs?” Trina asked me, her eyes filled with sympathy.
Last night I’d filled my friends in on the drama that had now become my life. While they weren’t exactly supportive of my decision to push Jayden away, they’d still tried to make me feel better. I’d tried to go on with life as usual, but apparently Trina hadn’t missed my tortured expression as we carried our lunch trays to our table. I nodded and kept my chin tucked tight to my chest, fighting back the tears burning in my eyes. This really was the worst.
“Good news is there’s a silver lining in all of this,” I said, sitting in my chair and frowning at my less-than-appetizing mac ‘n’ cheese. “Mom told me this morning that the new manager at the diner is getting settled in. And Charlotte didn’t even complain last night about studying for her test.”
If we stayed on this path, maybe I wouldn’t have to avoid Jayden for much longer. Of course, the question that