“I’m trying. I’m really trying. Sometimes it’s still hard to overcome the darkness, but it’ll get easier.”
“Yes, it will,” Alicia assured. “I can’t possibly understand everything you went through, but I do know a little bit about who you are, and I know you’re strong enough to find your way back. However long it takes.”
“In the beginning, it was perfect,” I said. “It was everything I always thought it would be. I fell into a rhythm with my team almost immediately. We were seamless. Every mission we went on was a success. Even with the ones that weren’t, we still made it out in one piece. Things didn’t go south until the very end. That last mission… I don’t know if I’ll ever get past it.”
Alicia reached over and instinctively took my hand. When she realized what she’d done, she cleared her throat and tried to pull her hand away, but I held onto her.
“Alicia, I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
“The way I left. I never took the time to realize how that made you feel. I was just so excited to finally be going on a Savage Soldier mission that it made me selfish. I assumed you would understand, and that was wrong of me. I thought you knew how I felt about you, but I was wrong. I never meant for that to be the end for us. I should have told you that back then. I’m so sorry I didn’t.”
“It’s okay. You don’t have to apologize. It’s been so long. It’s all in the past.”
“That doesn’t matter.” I gripped her hand tighter. “I need you to know how sorry I am for hurting you. I shouldn’t have left without making absolutely sure you knew how I felt. I fucked up.”
“We all do that.” She shrugged. “I shouldn’t have gone off on you like I did yesterday. You didn’t deserve that. And it’s not like I didn’t know you’d possibly be relocated. It’s just part of the job. I knew that.”
I gave a self-deprecating laugh. “If you ask your sister, I deserve a lot worse.”
Alicia frowned. “What did she say to you?”
“She told me I broke your heart.”
Alicia rolled her eyes and ducked her head down in embarrassment. I saw her cheeks flush red and wanted to trace my fingers down them. To feel the heat beneath my fingers and press my lips against hers.
“She shouldn’t have said anything.” Alicia pulled her hand from mine and tucked her hair behind her ears. “I’ve just been through a lot since you left. A lot has changed…” She glanced off into the distance.
At first, I thought she was angry again, but when I saw the tears glistening in her eyes, I knew she was reliving something painful.
“What happened?” I asked gently. “I want to know, Alicia. I really do.”
“I know you do,” she smiled sadly, “but I’m not sure I’m ready to tell you yet.”
I nodded. “Okay. I’m just happy you’re talking to me again then. I wasn’t sure if you ever would.”
“I shouldn’t have ignored your phone calls,” Alicia said suddenly. “Or your letters. That was wrong of me.”
“You needed time. I understand that.”
“Yeah, but I think I was just trying to punish you for leaving. Allie shouldn’t have said anything, but she was right. When you left, it tore my world apart. I’m not proud of that, but it’s true. I was a wreck.”
“So was I.”
“Oh please,” she scoffed. “You were running off to chase your lifelong dream.”
“That doesn’t mean I didn’t miss you.”
Alicia looked away and took a bite of her scone. She licked the icing off her fingers and my stomach tightened. I had missed her more than even I realized. Sitting beside her solidified everything I’d felt all those years ago. My heart ached for her. My body longed to touch hers. Nothing had changed between us. Our connection was still just as strong as ever. It took every ounce of strength I possessed not to kiss her right then and there.
I slid closer to her on the bench, slowly reaching for her hand again, but she pulled away.
“Zane, don’t. It’s too soon.”
“I’m sorry.” I moved away from her again and breathed deeply. I didn’t want to push her away again. I just wanted to spend as much time with her as possible before she left town.
“It’s not because I don’t want to,” she reassured. “It’s just…so much has happened and…”