Maybe it would have been better after all if we had never re-entered each other’s lives.
I rubbed my temples, my forehead pounding from the effort of trying to hold in my tears. “When we talked last night, I told you I had something to tell you. This was it. I never meant to keep this from you for so long, I swear. The fact that I had you as the emergency contact on Garrett’s daycare sheet should tell you as much. I always wanted to tell you. I just never had the chance. You have to understand that…”
“You expect me to believe that when you lied to me for so long?”
“I never lied to you!” I said, my tone rising, slightly defensive.
“You lied by omission, Anna. No matter how you spin it, you kept something from me that I had every right to know.”
“When was I supposed to tell you, Tucker? You. Weren’t. Around. What part of that aren’t you understanding?” I responded, gesturing with my hands to solidify my point. “When I found out about the pregnancy, you were already gone and you had been in such a dark place after your father’s death, I honestly didn’t think this was something you would be able to handle. I didn’t know how to break through your walls and I wasn’t going to bring my child up in a broken home with a father that popped in and out of his life. You pushed me away. How could I spring a child on you?”
Tucker shook his head. “You had no right to make that decision for me. I am his father. I needed to know that I had bought a child into this world. It didn’t matter what I was going through.” He pointed to the door, in Garrett’s direction. “That boy in there was half my responsibility, no matter what!”
I sighed. “You’re right. I see that now. I should have tried harder to make you a part of his life and my decision not to is something that I will always have to deal with. I can’t change the past, but I’m willing to work with you to make the future better for us all. I’m ready to do right by both you and Garrett—he deserves to know his father. I get that now too. So please, can we try to move past this and focus on what’s best for him?” Somewhere during my speech, a few of my tears finally fell.
“What’s best for him,” Tucker said in a low voice, “is knowing his father loves him and is willing to die to protect him. He needs to know that.”
My heart leapt to my throat and I hastily closed the distance between us, grabbing a hold of his arm. “Have you told him? Please, tell me you didn’t, Tucker. Not like this. Not without me…”
“Of course, I didn’t. I’m still a stranger to him. I’m not going to just spring it on the poor kid,” he said, pulling away from me.
I breathed a sigh of relief and tried to ignore the sting of the way he had recoiled from my touch.
Tucker looked back at me with raised eyebrows. “But doesn’t he already know? He said you have a picture of me.”
I nodded. “Yeah, I do. But I never said who you were to him. We’ll tell him together, when he’s feeling better.”
“And if he’s better tomorrow, will we tell him then?” he asked, the tone of his voice implying that he expected me to say no.
But I’d meant what I said. Garrett was a growing boy who needed a father figure in his life. He was already noticing the fact that other kids at the daycare had daddies in their lives while he didn’t. I had fielded the questions he had so far, but I knew his curiosity would only make the situation more volatile. He needed to be told that he had a father who cared for him; I couldn’t deny him that any longer.
“Yes, Tucker,” I said. “I just want him to feel good when he gets the news.”
“Mommy?” the small voice drifting from the living room reached our ears before Tucker had a chance to respond to me. Both of our heads turned sharply toward the door before we both bolted out of the room.
I got to Garrett first. He was sitting up on the couch, the blanket pooled around his hips. His cute little mouth was stretched into a yawn as he rubbed his tired eyes.
I pulled him into a hug.
Tucker stood behind the couch, watching with a guarded expression.
When I kept the embrace too long, Garrett began to squirm. I let him go and smoothed his hair back from his face, checking his temperature and pleased to see that he felt cooler. His fever had broken.
“Did you have a good time with…Mr. James?” I asked. From the corner of my eye, I saw Tucker’s jaw clench.
Garrett glanced back at him and Tucker’s expression instantly changed. It was like watching the sun break through dark clouds.
I felt another wave of regret that turned my stomach.
Because of me, the two of them had both missed out on so much.
“Oh, that we did,” Tucker said, ruffling Garrett’s hair. “Didn’t we, buddy?”
“Yeah. Tucker – he told me I could call him that – and me are best friends now!” Garrett piped.
“That’s great,” I said, injecting false joy into my voice. “But you have to say goodbye to Tucker now. We gotta go, baby. You need to get to bed.”
“Awww, Mommy, do we have to? I want to watch Spiderman with Tucker again. He promised we could.”