The Sexpert

He nods his head and then points to something behind me. “I wanna show you something. Come have a seat.”

“Wow,” I say, taking in his huge outdoor television. “I didn’t notice this last time. Pretty cool. Are we watching a movie?”

He sighs. “Sorta. Have a seat. Let me find the remote.”

I do… because I don’t know what else I can do.

But suddenly everything feels wrong here.

The way it felt on the phone just before Zoey got angry with me.

I watch him cross the terrace, pick up the remote, and then point it at the TV.

And that’s when an eighty-inch Sexpert appears.

My cupcakes, in all their glory.

And my voice.

My voice.

Explaining to my audience how to give a blowjob.

CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO – ANDREW

“What the hell is this?” she asks, standing back up and turning to face me.

And I’m sad. Because she looks beautiful. Her blue dress is catching the light from the setting sun, sparkling in a way that makes her look like something out of a dream. And her golden hair is ruffled, just like her personality. Looking just-fucked. And she’s wearing jewelry, and makeup, and…

She thinks this is a date.

And it’s not.

“I didn’t want to do it this way. But I gave you all the chances to come clean. And you just… you just kept lying to me.”

“What? You asked me up here to… to… ambush me?”

“If your man has a delicious cock, it’s easy to lick him like a lollipop,” the Sexpert says on the TV as she—as Eden—demonstrates with a banana.

“No. Not to ambush you. To ask you… why? Why the hell didn’t you just own up to this? You knew I was going to figure it out. Hell, I don’t even need the new app to ID you. I can hear you sitting right here.”

“Take him in your hand and give him a few pumps to let him know you’re ready,” the Sexpert whispers.

“Jesus Christ! Can you turn that off, please?”

“Then slide your tongue up and down his shaft to whet your appetite for the banana cream pie he’s about to serve up—“

“Is this uncomfortable for you? Yeah. That’s tough. Well, as awkward as this is for you, for me… for me it’s painful. Because I like you—”

“I like you too!”

“But I can’t be lied to. I just… I can’t.”

“But listen, Andrew. This Sexpert stuff. It was a secret, OK? I mean it’s got nothing to do with you.”

“And then, when you’re both good and ready, slip him into your mouth and…”

“Turn it off!” she yells, coming at me. She snatches the remote from my hand and clicks a button. But instead of turning off, the footage switches to another video.

“A sprinkle of nuts,” the Sexpert says, “is a more appetizing way to think of tea-bagging.”

“Oh, my God!” Eden says, pushing another button on the remote.

But it just switches to another video. Because I knew she’d do this and so I set it up. Yes, it’s a mean thing to do. Whatever.

She clicks again, and again—but each time it’s a new version of her as the Sexpert. Her cupcakes. Her hands demonstrating sex toys, and props. Her words spilling out of her mouth—in her voice—as she describes… well. Sex.

Finally, after several agonizing seconds of this, she finds the pause button and the videos stop, her cupcakes frozen in the act as she shows viewers how to titty-fuck a cannoli, the cream center spilling out the end.

She looks at the screen. Then at me.

And she is horrified. Humiliated. Paralyzed.

I shrug but shake my head at the same time. Because it’s got everything to do with me. “I asked you, over and over again, if you were her. And you said no.”

“What else could I say? It was a secret!”

“I told you. I was on your side.”

“Well, clearly you’re not now, are you? What exactly are you doing here? Trying to ruin my life?”

“Looking out for my best friend. Like he asked me to.” I shrug again. “Sorry, cupcake. That’s who I am.”

She says nothing.

“I asked you what was wrong the first night I got here. You know? The one where Pierce told you all about his plans on how to find the Sexpert and you just sat there listening? And then you got weird and had to go to work, remember that?”

She just stares at me. Saying nothing.

“Lie number one. So you could what? Go call your partner in crime, Zoey, and tell her everything Pierce just told you? Was that why you got weird and had to leave that night? So you and Zoey could come up with a plan?”

Still. Nothing.

“Lie number two was after we had our sexy time up there.” I point at the pool up on the roof. “When you used all your little Sexpert secrets to….” And then I have to laugh and shake my head. “And your excuse when I asked you—point blank, on the rock wall—if you were the Sexpert—your excuse was… ‘I’m not very good at this. So I watched her videos for pointers.’ Right?”