The Dirty Ones

“I don’t see how I can quote you if I don’t read you. And so what? You’re butt-hurt because I don’t read you? I’m not into reading erotica.”

“No, you’re just into quoting me in conversation.”

“I don’t know—”

“Don’t insult me, Sofia. Like I said, I read your books. I know I’m your main character every single time.”

“Oh, my God.” She laughs, swiping hair away from her forehead. “For someone who wants to be left alone up in your stupid woods so you can shun society, you sure do have an inflated sense of self-importance when it comes to your influence over other people.”

“Is that right?” I glare at her. “You wrote this book, didn’t you?”

“Fuck you! I didn’t write that book. How would I even know what happened—”

“Obviously,” I cut her off, “you have the original book.”

“You’re the only one who ever saw that fucking book, Kiera.”

I give her one of those tight-lipped smiles. “You and I both know that’s not true. You always made Connor read our previous chapter out loud each week.”

She sighs and looks over her shoulder, wondering if anyone heard that. “What do you want?”

“You’re the one who wanted me to follow you in here. I should be asking you that question.”

“Fine,” she huffs. “I use you, OK? Is that what you want to hear? Feel good now? I model all my stupid female leads after you.”

“Why? Why do you do it?”

“You’re interesting, OK? I think you’re interesting.”

“No, why do you write erotica at all? It makes no sense.”

“It’s therapeutic for me. That’s why I do it.”

“Liar,” I say. “Such a liar. You write it because it sells. You wrote all that women’s lit bullshit hoping people would ‘get you’ and when no one bought it, the awards weren’t enough to fill up your giant ego and you got depressed. You’re no different than any other writer in that respect. So you figure, hey, I’ll write some erotica and then people will see my words, and gush on me in reviews, and I’ll feel good about myself again. And you do use my words! I find them in every single book!”

“Because you’re part of me, Kiera. And I’m part of you. I don’t steal your words, I just borrow parts of you when it’s appropriate.”

“Because you’ve always wanted to be me,” I snap. “You hate your stupid princess life, you hate that you never married, you hate that you had to share Connor in the tower—”

“Why are you being such a bitch? I’m standing here telling you my feelings were real. You’re just looking for reasons to hurt me.”

“Because… because… you hurt me first!”

We stare at each other for a few seconds and then we both laugh.

“You stupid whore,” Sofia says. “I’m sorry, OK? Stop being an Emily.”

I laugh again, even though it’s not appropriate.

“When you didn’t come for graduation I figured it was over. And…” She sighs. “That kinda hurt me, Kiera. You never said goodbye.”

“Because I wasn’t leaving you, dumbass. I was leaving Essex.”

“Well, you failed. OK? Because you did leave me and you live right across the goddamned lake from Essex. And I wish you lived in New York. Do you think that Camille and I just… what? Got over what happened and moved on? No. We miss you every week. Not a week goes by that we don’t sigh and say, ‘I wish Kiera was here with us.’”

“Now I know you’re lying.” But I say that softly. And it comes out sad. “Because maybe you do miss me, but Camille—”

“Camille does miss you. We both miss you. We think you stay away because you hate us. And you only talk to us online so we’ll help you market your books.”

I gasp. “Fuck you! I don’t care if you guys push my books! I just don’t like the city, OK? It makes me nervous. That place isn’t my home. Like it or not, where I live is where I belong. I can’t help that.”

We both sigh with frustration. Then, after a few awkward, silent seconds, Sofia says, “It’s not…”

But she stops and I get impatient. “It’s not what?”

“I just… wouldn’t know what to do with you alone.”

“What do you mean?”

“Without Connor. I’m… not into you that way, Kiera. So… OK. Maybe I’ve been avoiding you in real life because I didn’t want to have this conversation. I liked what we had. It was fun. And no matter what you believe now, I know I saved your life by following instructions and inviting you in. So when you got him all to yourself that last night I was so fucking jealous. Because I never got him without you. Even that one time we did get together without you, it was written in the book. It was dictated for us. You’re the only one who got something that wasn’t dictated!”