The Dirty Ones

“Oh,” I say, taken aback.

“And it always seems like you had it both ways. All the time. You were in the tower with us, but in a different way. You were at the same school and away from home, but one stupid ferry ride and you could be with your mother. You could be home, if you wanted to. And I couldn’t, I was stuck there. I was jealous of you. How you got to be inside and outside in the same moment and I… I don’t know. I was always miserable that year. Except for the time in the tower with you guys. So that last night when you and Connor were together… I was alone. And I was mad, OK? I was. So I’ve probably carried that with me all these years and I’m sorry.”

“Everything OK in here?”

We both turn to see Connor standing in the doorway. He steps inside, closes the door behind him, and sighs.

“How much did you hear?” Sofia asks.

“All of it,” Connor says, looking at me, then back at Sofia. “I think everyone just heard all of it. They’re like twenty feet away and the two of you are yelling.”

“Great,” I say.

“I guess we should… talk about this?” Connor asks. “Because I don’t want to have any kind of miscommunication. Kiera and I were together last night, Sofia. I want to be with her and give it another try.”

I don’t even know where to begin deciphering that declaration. He loves me? He wants to date me? He wants to fuck me on the side?

What is he talking about?

Sofia crosses her arms, nods her head, and presses her lips together like she’s trying to hold something in. But then she huffs and says, “Well I don’t want any miscommunication either. I don’t want you now, Connor Arlington. I wanted you then. I’m not some sad woman pining over a long-ago relationship like some badly-written heroine, OK?”

Connor stares at her for a moment. Then he laughs. “Uh… OK. My mistake. I guess.”

“So why are we even arguing?” I ask. “This is dumb.”

“I’m sure you do think it’s dumb,” Sofia says. “Because you’re the star of the show. I’m just someone he had to let tag along. And I thought we had something. And we didn’t. But I thought… I thought we had something between us. Like I do with Hayes. I thought—”

“Hayes?” both Connor and I say at the same time.

“Yes,” Sofia says. “I mean… I don’t know what I mean. I’m so fucking confused right now. I have all these leftover feelings about you two. And him. And I don’t know anything any more. None of this makes any sense. Not one bit. Not that year, not that book, not my relationships…”

Connor sighs. “It makes sense, Sofia. It does. It’s just… complicated. But we all know what we mean to each other and that’s all that counts.”

“Well, I don’t,” I say. “I don’t understand anything about any of you.” Then I look at Sofia. “Hayes? Really? Because—”

“Connor loves us both, Kiera. But if he has to choose just one, he’s going to choose you. And hey,” she says, looking up. She’s crying for real now. A tear runs down her cheek. “I’d choose him over you, that’s what I was trying to say before. I like you, but he was all I ever wanted up in the tower. So what he just told me isn’t any different than what I just told you.”

There is so much silence in this room right now. The whole world must be one giant cacophony of loud because this room has sucked all the silence in.

God, how did life get so fucked up in the span of one day? I don’t understand it. Why now? After ten years, why this day?

Why not that first year after we left? When everything was still fresh in our minds? Why not just keep it going if whoever did this wanted control? It makes no sense. Because we all left school, went on our way, and managed to even stay friends. I don’t talk to Bennett or Connor much, and no one talks to Louise at all, but we came out of it pretty OK, considering. Sofia and Camille and I are still friends online. Hayes and I are probably what you’d call good friends. Which is why I don’t completely understand what Sofia is trying to say about him right now.

And that makes me feel guilty because I don’t like Hayes that way. At least I never thought I did. But I sure have spent a lot of time with him. Especially these past few years since my mother died.

Suddenly my feelings are all messed up.

I don’t know anything. Nothing is what it seemed. These last ten years have just been one long lie.