I nodded, knowing what I had to do. They deserved to spend some time alone with their son, no matter how hard it would be for me to tear myself away from him.
“Come on, let’s get you some fresh air.”
I didn’t answer as Seth stood me up and walked me out of the room. I passed Andy’s mom and dad, unable to meet their eyes. If only they knew what a horrible person I was. What I’d done. What I’d so badly wanted to do.
“Em, I’m worried about you.”
We stood on the deck. Seth wrapped his arms around me, his warmth radiating through me. I couldn’t move or react; I just stood there, allowing myself to be hugged.
“Talk to me.” He tilted my chin up, his eyes meeting mine. I blinked back tears. Where did I even start? How could I put into words what I was feeling?
“I hate you for loving me,” I whispered.
Hurt filled his expression as he processed my words. He looked shocked and confused. I took a breath and continued, knowing that if I didn’t get this out now I never would.
“If you weren’t in love with me, then he wouldn’t have pushed me away. I hate you for taking that from me. For taking him from me.”
“Em, you don’t mean that. You’re upset, and I get it. But Andy wants you to be happy. You don’t need to decide anything now, or in a month, or even in a year. This is all about you and when you’re ready.” He reached forward, his hand cradling my neck as he forced me to look at him.
“I don’t want to be happy without him. I don’t want to move on.”
Chapter Twenty-Four
Seth
It’s called the death rattle.
In the final hours before someone dies of a long-term illness, as their body begins to shut down and their lungs begin to fill with fluid, every breath is a struggle, accompanied by a strangling, gurgling sound. Apparently he wasn’t in any pain—according to Marta, and confirmed by Google—but it was horrible to witness.
By now, he was unconscious, unresponsive to everyone. He was slowly slipping away. Deb and Karl sat on one side of the bed, Em and I on the other. We hadn’t left his side all day. Even in just the last few hours he’d gotten so much worse.
I reached out at took hold of Em’s hand. She glanced at me, her green eyes swollen and red from the endless flow of tears. I hadn’t cried. I couldn’t, because I was sure once I started I wouldn’t be able to stop.
“I’m going to make a coffee,” I said, getting up. “Can I get you one?” She nodded. “How about you guys?” I asked, looking at Deb and Karl.
“Thanks Seth. A coffee would be nice,” Deb sniffed. I touched her on the shoulder as I walked past. She was a wreck—but then again, we all were.
While I waited for the coffee pot to boil, I decided to call Mom. I hadn’t spoken to her in a while, though I knew Deb had told her I’d called.
“Seth?” she said, answering on the second ring. Worry filled her voice, and I felt bad. I was the worst son, blocking her out of this. She loved Andy as much as the rest of us did.
“Mom, hey.”
“Is he . . . ” Her voice broke.
“Not yet. Soon,” I said, feeling sick. I leaned over the counter and stared at the black marble top. “He’s pretty close to the end now. Deb and Karl are here.”
“Good,” she said, relieved. “I’m glad they got there in time. How’s Em?”
“Not great,” I sighed. “She’s coping, but barely. I’m worried about her, Mom.”
“I know you are, honey. You just need to be there for her. There’s not much else you can do.” She was right, but it didn’t make me feel any better.
“I better go,” I said with a sigh. “I’ll call you later. Love you,” I said, rubbing the bridge
of my nose.
“Love you, too.”