***
I carried the coffees, two in each hand, back to the bedroom.
“Thanks,” mumbled Karl, taking both his and Deb’s. Em didn’t respond as I placed hers next to her. “The priest is on his way now.”
I nodded. Andy wasn’t religious, but I knew this was more for them than him.
I sat down, cradling my drink in my hands. My mind was filled with regrets. Why hadn’t I spent more time with him over the past few months? Fuck work—I should’ve quit and hung out with him. I felt like I’d missed out on so much. It wasn’t fair. He was only twenty-six.
Fucking cancer. I laughed, thinking about the tattoo on his back. Would his parents ever see it? Both Deb and Em looked me with puzzled expressions.
“I just remembered . . . his back,” I finished, my voice low. Realization dawned on Em’s face and she snorted. “I’m sorry,” I said to Deb, still chuckling.
Then I had an idea. I jumped up and walked over the wardrobe where his video recorder sat. I picked it up and handed it to Deb.
“He was never without this damn thing the last few weeks.”
She smiled and opened the viewing screen. Fresh tears filled her eyes as she pressed play. I sat back down, placing my arm around Em as she snuggled against me. Andy’s voice filled the room and my heart jumped.
We listened in silence as Deb lived through Andy’s final days. Her hand flew to her mouth as muffled sobs escaped from her. I closed my eyes, listening, replaying the events in my head as I heard them.
“He made you do all this?” Deb gasped. That was after the bull riding.
I laughed and nodded.
“That’s Andy,” she smiled. “What the hell?” she cried.
I swallowed a laugh as Andy’s voice explained “Cancer fucked me over, so I’m fucking it over right back.” I glanced over at Em, who was staring at the small tattoo on her wrist, a shadow of a smile on her face.
At 1:33a.m, Andy took his last breath.
I thought I was ready, but nothing really prepares you for that moment. He was there, and then he wasn’t. I saw his chest rise and fall for the last time, and then he was gone. I felt…empty. It was like a part of me had died right along with him.
Em began to sob loudly next to me. I stood up and wrapped my arms around her, holding her close to me as her body shook, determined to protect her from the world of hurt she was feeling. Deb and Karl sobbed quietly, embracing each other.
He’s gone. I can’t believe he’s gone.
My heart pounded as I held Em, the finality of the moment beginning to sink in. My best friend was gone. I’d never be able to talk to him, to hear his voice, or joke with him again. She jumped up suddenly.
“Seth.” Deb motioned for me to leave with her and Karl. I glanced at Em, who was now kneeling beside his bed, clutching his hand. “She needs a few minutes alone with him. She’ll be okay.”
Will she? I wasn’t so sure.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Emily
I held his hand, my tears falling uncontrollably. He was gone. No matter how much I’d tried to prepare for this moment, clutching his lifeless hand between mine was unbearable.
I can’t believe you left me. Why didn’t you fight harder?
I climbed into bed beside him, desperate to feel his body up against mine one more time. The warmth was beginning to fade, just like my will to live. I didn’t want a life without him in it. This wasn’t fair.
I lay in his arms, crying.
Please come back. I’ll do anything for you not to leave me.
I racked my mind for a memory, anything to cling onto while lying there next to him. Anything that I could use to convince myself I hadn’t lost him. But it was hopeless. My head was a mess. I’d lost the one person I thought would be there for me forever. The one person who I knew loved me, no matter what. My heart was heavy. I could have died right there alongside him and it wouldn’t have mattered.