None of it mattered anymore. Nothing.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Emily
A week had passed. It had been a whole week since he’d left me. I never thought time could pass so slowly and so fast at the same time. I was a mess. I felt like I was moving in slow motion. Nothing made sense to me anymore.
It was the day of his funeral. I hadn’t slept. I’d barely slept at all since he’d gone. Sleeping meant remembering and I wasn’t ready to do that yet. We had left the beach house and come home the day after he passed. Deb had insisted I stay with them, and I was thankful that I didn’t have to be alone.
I sat at my dressing table, waiting. It was barely nine in the morning, yet I sat there in my black dress, ready. Waiting to say my final goodbye to the man that had been my family for the last fourteen years.
I’d dressed for him today—in his favorite dress, wearing his favorite perfume with my hair pinned to the side, just how he loved it. I didn’t bother with makeup. For one, I hadn’t stopped crying for long enough to be able to apply it, and second, Andy had always told me how beautiful I was without it.
For all the pain I felt right then, I wouldn’t take anything back. I wouldn’t change anything. All the pain in the world was worth one day of knowing Andy.
Focus on the good.
I pulled out my notebook and flicked open a page. I began to read.
Christmas morning. 2002.
The first Christmas without my parents.
It had been less than a month since the accident. I couldn’t imagine ever not feeling the way I did that morning as I rose to an empty house. No tree, no presents and no reason to acknowledge the day. Even though Andy’s family had taken me in, I was back here, the night before Christmas, alone with my emotions. I didn’t want to celebrate with anyone else. I just wanted my parents back.
It was my fault they’d been killed. Every time I closed my eyes, my own words screamed back at me. I wish I’d been born to someone else.
“Em?”
I looked up and into Seth’s eyes. He walked over and cradled me in his arms while Andy knelt down in front of me.
“What are you doing here? We’ve been so worried,” Andy said. He took my hands in his. “Have you been here all night?”
I nodded. “The settlement is tomorrow. I just needed one last day to…” My voice trailed off. I couldn’t even say it. “Besides, I don’t want to celebrate Christmas. It’s just another day like every other day.” Except more than any other day, today I was reminded of how little I’d appreciated what I’d had until I’d lost it.
“Okay,” Andy said, as if it were that simple. “Then we’re not celebrating it either.”
“What? You have to,” I protested.
“Nope,” Seth chimed in. “We’re with you, Em. We are not going to leave you, especially not today.”
I closed the book and smiled as I pushed it back into my pocket. That Christmas had been spent sitting in my empty living room eating pizza and drinking soda. They had given up their Christmas because I hadn’t been ready to move on. They were always there for me. Every moment, the two of them were by my side.
“Em?”
I looked up and saw Seth standing in my doorway.
“How did you get in?” I asked. I hadn’t even heard him knock, and I was pretty sure Deb and Karl had left ages ago.
“Spare key,” he smiled. He walked over and sat down on the bed next to me. “Are you okay?” he asked. His hand found its way to mine, his fingers entwining themselves with mine.
“Not really,” I said with a laugh. I was burying my boyfriend today. How was I supposed to be okay with that?
“Silly question, huh?”
“A little,” I agreed. Sighing, I stood up and threw myself back on the bed. I stared at the ceiling, feeling sick. “I don’t want to say goodbye to him.” He lay back with me. I rested my head on his shoulder. “I keep thinking it’s not real, you know? That I’m just having an awful nightmare and I’ll wake up and everything will be normal.”
“I feel that too,” Seth admitted. “I keep hearing his voice. Every time I close my eyes I see his face.” He hesitated. “We have to go.”