Luke hesitated. “I don’t want to leave you alone, man.”
“Get the fuck out. Please, just leave.” I felt his presence for a few minutes longer. As soon as I heard the door close, I dropped to my knees and began to cry.
***
It was the day after I had found out, and two days since she’d died.
It still felt so unreal, like at any moment I was expecting her to call, or knock on my door. The last twenty-four hours I’d spend sleeping and drinking. They were the only two things that took my mind off this whole mess.
I hadn’t called work, or my father. I had nothing to say.
All I knew was I had to get the hell out of there. Everything reminded me of her. I’d slept on the floor of the balcony the night before in a pair of tracksuit pants, oblivious to the minus two frost. The bed reminded me of her, and I couldn’t even look at the sofa without imagining her sitting there, laughing. Every time I fell asleep I heard her laugh, only to open my eyes and find myself alone, and empty. The freezing temperature made me numb, but it didn’t dull the pain.
Racing through the bedroom, I slammed a few things into my overnight bag. Zipping it up, I threw it over my shoulder and grabbed my keys. As an afterthought I grabbed my phone, remembering that was my only connection to Belle. All her messages, her picture, everything that I had of her was on my phone. Without that, it was like she never existed in my life.
I jumped in my car with no idea where I was going. All I knew was I needed to get out of the city, and I needed alcohol. Lots of Alcohol. I stopped by a bottle shop and stocked up on scotch.
As I climbed back in the car, it hit me. I knew where I needed to go. I headed in the direction of the lake house. It was the only place I knew nobody would find me. The only people who knew about this place were Dad and Alex. Alex was overseas, and Dad had made it clear he didn’t give a shit about me.
My mind replayed my final minutes with Belle over and over, each time focused on that moment when I did nothing to stop her from leaving. I did nothing. She left and I did nothing.
If she had never met me, she would still be alive. If only I hadn’t gone back to the restaurant. I was a fucking mess. My vision blurred as I jerked the wheel to miss an imaginary rabbit, the car swerving on the road. I gained back control, my heart thumping. How easy would it be for me to end it right now, the same way Belle’s life ended? All I would have to do was speed up and slam into a tree. My foot pressed on the accelerator, the car slowly gaining speed. The road was slippery from the frost, and the fog made it difficult to see more than a few meters in front. I reached behind me, my hand gripping the neck of a bottle of scotch. I held it between my legs and unscrewed the top.
I lifted the bottle to my lips and drank. More than a mouthful, I drank until the liquid began to burn my lips. Moving it away, I gasped, breathing heavily. Sitting the open bottle next to me on the seat, I slowed down.
The lake house came into view, its three stories an imposing structure nestled among the serene environment that was Lake Elucas. Parking the car in the driveway, I got out, taking the bottle with me and grabbed my bag.
Belle would’ve loved it here. It was the perfect location for a romantic getaway. Or a place full of empty childhood memories. Suddenly, coming up here didn’t seem like the best idea, but I was too tired and drunk to do anything about it.
Grabbing the other bottles from the back seat, I went inside. It had been years since I’d ventured up there, but it looked just the same, albeit a little dustier. I pulled a sheet off an armchair and sat down. It was a recliner, so I put my feet up until I was almost lying completely down. I stared blankly at the ceiling, only looking down to take another sip of scotch. Was I trying to drink myself to death? Probably, but crashing my car hadn’t worked, so I didn’t expect this to work either.
I never thought I’d be back here. I swore I would never come back. Memories of Mum and Dad fighting, Dad beating Mum, her face being pushed into the broken glass of a vase on the floor, Dad kicking her down two flights of stairs—it all came flooding back to me. How could I blame her for leaving? The answer was I didn’t, I only blamed her for not taking us with her.
Chapter Twenty-One
I woke up disoriented. My neck hurt like hell and I had a ripping headache. Reaching up to rub my neck, I tried to gather my thoughts. I sat forward. Bad move.
“Fuck!” I yelled as my skin ripped away from the suction it had created against the leather chair. Standing up, it took me a minute to recognize the lake house and remember why I was here. The worst part was I didn’t even remember driving here.
It was still light outside. I grabbed my phone and switched it on for the first time in days. Message after message came through. I immediately deleted all the messages and calls from work and my father, which left three from Luke and two from Alex. I tossed the phone aside, not ready to deal with anyone yet. All I wanted was to forget, but my head was my own worst enemy.
I grabbed the sheet, wrapped it around my shoulders, and slipped the phone in my pocket. I went outside and followed the track down to the edge of the lake. I sat down in the soft, wet sand a fair distance from the house. I knew this spot well. We used to hide behind the huge tree log and try to block out Mum’s screams as Dad ripped into her. She’d never tell us what had happened, but we knew. Everything that went on in that house, we knew about.
It was just after midnight, according to my phone. Another two missed calls from Alex, and one from Luke. Guilt ripped through me as I thought about Belle and our fight. If Luke knew what I had done, he wouldn’t be wasting his time with me.
I couldn’t bring myself to speak to him; the pain I felt was just too overwhelming. It wasn’t only Belle’s life I had ruined, it was everyone who knew her. How could anyone move on after losing such an amazing girl? How could I move on?
I felt the tears well as I punched Alex’s number into my phone. He answered on the first ring.
“Jack.” He whispered softly. He knew. His tone of voice said it all. Luke must’ve been worr
ied, to contact Alex.
“Sorry I didn’t call you back earlier,” I muttered, the words barely audible. I rubbed my chin, trying to focus.
“I don’t know what to say,” Alex said quietly.
I laughed harshly. “There’s nothing to say. There’s nothing that can be done to fix this.”